Joyful Exhaustion

OK I am officially too tired to even attempt Latin or anything that would require me to move off of all these rice bags for any length of time.  Kris came over for an early morning pep talk and then it was time to get started.  So it was a one hour walk and a stop in at the Gonzaga gym to finalize membership.  Then it was Bob and Jillian's 30 minute cardio, lunch and attempting to get Kev enrolled at SCC.  Finishing off the workouts with 30 minutes of Boot Camp.  Did good with my caloric intake and water then collapsed onto the couch with 3 rice bags and two ibuprofen.  My mantra for the day was achieving is believing.  If I could just not stop putting one foot in front of the other or doing one more lunge or dumbbell kickback then I could begin to achieve this monumental goal Kris and I came up with this morning.  So after watching Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss last night, Kris and I began preparing for me to attempt to lose 181 lbs.  I know this is ambitious but I know that if I stay focused and keep my emotional state in check I can achieve this.  So as I sign off and try to get some rest before I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow plus an hour in the pool, I will challenge all of you to make some ambitious goals and then go out and start achieving them for yourselves.  If you would like to get together for a walk or healthy meal, let me know.  Love you all and promise to check in again soon... 

Carpe Nova Spero

Back to the Latin, mostly because its fun and challenging.  So now after my walk today I was inspired to write about seizing a New Hope.  Not as in Star Wars (cool movie but not what I am referring to at this point).  On my walk I was truly energized by the smells of the freshly cut grass, the blooming flowers, the chirping of the birds and the beautiful leafy green trees.  I also had my i-pod plugged in streaming Celtic Women, Sara Evans Billy Joel and Mercy Me (yes I am a bit eclectic) all energizing me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  However what was truly illuminating was when I happened to look over at this one particular Oak tree and I was reminded of the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden.  I couldn't help but think of how beautiful, majestic and comforting trees are. When I was young I used to shimmy up the trunk of a tree to get away from the neighborhood dog or bully, to run away from my parents, to feel like I could see the whole world from the heights of the boughs.  Now that I am older they provide shade and a make for a great backrest as I enjoy a favorite book.  They are also such a pleasure to look at in all seasons.  Trees have roots that run deep and thus are strong and mighty and by their sheer number of years seem full of wisdom and experience. A tree is a fortress and a shelter, a  symbol of peace, prosperity and knowledge.  I am so grateful in this time of illness and goals, diabetes and trying to care for my growing young men that I can go on a walk and be so comforted by the sight of a Tree.  God you truly are amazing and I am eternally grateful and shall continue to seize onto any bit of new hope I can find.  Tomorrow I head up to Gonzaga to pay the fee for graduate students to use the gym throughout the summer and Kris is coming by in the morning to spend some time motivating and working with me.  Then my SOL sisters are coming by for a devotional.  Kevin and I will also be heading up to SCC to finish getting him enrolled and scheduled for his math placement test.  Wow tomorrow shall truly be busy, I hope I am up for the tasks...

Carpe Diem

So now it's time to Seize the Day!  I've made it four days in a row walking my 20 minute mile.  I think the part I am having the hardest time with is how exhausted I am after just a simple walk but Kris and Kevin keep insisting it will get easier.  Today I went and picked up the schedule for the pool at Gonzaga and it's only gonna cost $30.00 for the summer as a grad student.  The plan is to next week be in the pool 3 days a week and then still keeping up with the mile walk at least 5 days a week.  Kris advised me to give up all soda, even diet.  This has been hard and honestly drinking a gallon of water a day is like pouring gasoline down my throat on a consistent basis but if it helps me get a transplant than that's what I will do.  No more destructive eating, no more being scared it's time for some serious Carpe Diem!  I encourage you to share with me in this journey, share with me your own hang-up's and your success stories or little tricks you tried to help you along the way.  So let's get to posting my friends.  Speak to me, share with me and pray for me and don't forget to Carpe Diem for yourself!

Counting My Blessings

     Don't worry if you've enjoyed the mini  Latin lessons thus far as I will come back to them but tonight in my sleeplessness the Latin words were not flowing so my English mode of communication will have to suffice.  As this week is rapidly coming to an end I have so very much to be grateful for.  In about 72 hours my "little man" will be doing me the great honor of graduating from Gonzaga Preparatory High School.  It won't be with the best grades or exactly how I would have imagined but he will walk across that stage and celebrate the closing of one of the first big seasonal stages of his life.  As you and I know this is just the beginning for him.  Now will come some of the toughest and yet fun opportunities for him as a young adult.  His brother and I are both a little nervous about exactly what this will mean for us but with God's grace and mercy, we will hopefully just be drawn closer to one another as mother and son.  Kevin will most likely not be moving out until right before he begins his college classes in the Fall so this will be a bittersweet summer filled with lots of lasts with Kevin and firsts with just Alex and myself.
     Also in case you haven't heard I recently got a trainer and have embarked on the ambitious goal of trying to lose over 100 pounds.  Since January I have been working with a counselor on all the emotional reasons why I carry my weight around like a cherished security blanket and most recently added a nutritionist to my health care team so we could begin to work on the diabetic side of my poor health.  The trainer was the next obvious step on this journey.  To ensure a spot on the transplant list when the time comes I must have a BMI of 40 or lower so with my M.E.L.D. score numbers jumping so significantly over the past 90 days I truly need to kick the weight loss into high gear.  I am asking those close to me to pray for strength and perseverance throughout this next step as it will not be an easy one.  I am learning constantly through this chronic illness, that this part of my journey is an opportunity to become exquisitely conscious.  I am learning to be fully aware of my body as well as fully present in my spirit, what a blessing!

Amare-to love

So currently I am writing a response to what is the meaning of love and I was reminded of one of my long standing friendships.  I thought I would share the essay with you because just writing it lifted my spirits as I hope it will yours...

I was recently doing some scrap-booking when a thought came to me, my friend Angela really must love me.  She is not only there for me and my sons in the bad times but all the good and precious moments as well.  My sons and I moved to Washington seven years ago now.  We came here as victims and looking for a new start. Upon enrolling in some classes at the local community college, I approached Angela in the crowded campus cafeteria.  There were no seats to be had and I really needed to grab something to eat and study for my next few classes.  Angela just seemed approachable and she shyly agreed to let me share her table.  For the next few weeks this quiet sharing of a study space became routine.  Slowly we learned each others names, talked about our children and what classes we were taking.  It was a budding relationship and it was most welcome to my fragile state of mind.  Life had not really shown me that there were people I could trust at least not on any kind of consistent basis.  Her love was something that came as a bit of a surprise and not loudly or overwhelmingly but sweetly slow and smooth.

In the past seven years we have laughed, cried, joked while suffering the effects of air crack late into the night, shopped until we have literally dropped, read books together, seen too many movies to even count or list, been baptized in the same church and graduated from college as what we fondly refer to as Non-Traditional Students.  Our sons have grown up together as well, playing sports, dealing with the effects of ADHD, going to our local swimming pools and amusement parks together every summer and even celebrating birthdays together.  Our relationship even survived Angela getting married last year.  I have to admit that I wasn’t sure I would still have as important a place within her life as she was undergoing a new stage within her own life. Boy was I ever wrong about that.  Her new husband and I have since become friends and he is a great example to my sons of how a man really can become a great step-father.  Angela and I have, if anything become closer in our love for one another.

About two and half years ago I was diagnosed with primary bilary cirrhosis and our relationship was once again tested.  Even when I would have chosen to pull back to protect her and my boys she never allowed me to do that for too long.  Angela is constantly available to me for doctor appointments, to give my boys rides when I am too sick to get behind the wheel of my car, to prepare meals and even to just sit and watch some T.V because that’s all I have the energy for that day.  As I get sicker her love only continues to grow and I know that my boys shall continue to benefit from her love even if God sees fit to take me before I get to sit in our proverbial rocking chairs with her as we turn 80.  Angela helps me to continue to dream and live each day for the precious moments that we are blessed with.  I thank God and Angela for helping me to maintain a positive attitude throughout some pretty tumultuous times.  I know love because of Angela’s unconditional and everlasting friendship and my life is truly blessed for having such a loving relationship.  Life is not about the destination but rather the journey which shows us that love truly exists even when it comes in the trappings of a friendship which we were never expecting or believing was even possible.  Thank you my dear friend, I will love you always and forever…

Carpe Aestatem - Seize the Summer!

I bet your wondering what's up with all this Latin...can't seem to help myself as it seems to be around me all the time lately and today I began following Gonzaga on my twitter account and this was one of their tweets, I loved it! Also with the beautiful weather today I couldn't help but to seize onto the ideas of Summer...Oh sigh, the liquid joy streaming through my front window and the sounds of the little sparrows chirping and someone mowing their lawn, all while I lay fatigued on the couch fighting off yet another kidney infection.  God knew I could use the seasonal pick-me-up!  From the bottom of my heart God, Thank You!  It also reminded me of one of my writing responses to the popular song Seasons of Love and so I thought I would share, hope you enjoy...

The Measure of a Woman of Christ

If there are 525,600 minutes in a year than

How do you measure your life as a

Woman of Christ?

Do you measure in hours, feet, miles or love?

 Do you measure in anger, frustration, rage or mercy?

Do you measure in depression, bitterness, guilt or forgiveness?

Do you measure in fear, anxiety, timidity or faith?

Do you measure in pessimism, negativity, denial or hope?

Do you measure in selfishness, loneliness, vanity or  servant-hood?  

Do you carry baggage, extra luggage, burdens or the easy yoke of Christ?

My prayers for each and everyone of you is that you will use your

525,600 minutes this year as Women of Christ to 

Seek Him Constantly, Serve Him Faithfully and Share Him Boldly.

Then you will be a woman who truly

Reflects the Heart of Christ!

P.S. if you are one of my male friends, prof's or brothers you can just put in being a man/brother reflecting the Heart of Christ, kinda like taking a look at the man in the mirror.  Whoever you are reading this know I care about you and want you to know the Love of Christ as I do, so go out and  Carpe Aestatem!

Just in case you don't recognize Latin when you see it...Carpe Spero means to  Seize the Hope, which is an everlasting and eternal choice we can make on a daily basis.  It is also one I choose to seize constantly.  I renew it every morning with my faith and my unconditional love which I share with my family, friends and all those who cross my path.  As one of many thousands who is currently waiting to get onto the national transplant list I have found hope to be a constant companion and one which brings me comfort.  It's hard to believe that it has been three years now since I was delivered the news that my liver was cirrhotic and that eventually I would need a transplant.  For the first two years there were little to no real complications, mostly just a lot of hurry up and wait and constant monitoring through blood-work and scans. However this last year, I have been in and out of the hospital at least ten times already.  My kidneys, more than my liver have been giving me the hardest time.  Cysts, stones, tract infections and now I am injecting myself with insulin on a nightly basis.  I have been told this is all just part of the journey to a transplant.  So I continue to engage in Carpe Spero and as we chat with each other more I will hopefully encourage you to do so as well.  I hope also that this blog will be a way for me to continue to fellowship with those close to me who wish to follow my story and help me in this endeavor to get a transplant.  So here's to many more blogs to follow...