So yesterday was a bit traumatic for me and it was out of the blue and completely unexpected but as you may know this is often how traumatic episodes blindside us. I had recently sought out a counselor to help me process some of the things related to my long term chronic liver disease and my upcoming new empty nest. I felt that I spoke plainly with the intake professional but apparently we were not on the same page. She asked me if I was willing to join a recovery wellness group and I thought I wasn't sure if this is what I needed but sure I was willing to try so I agreed to show up. I get to the meeting room a few minutes early and find a seat at the back so I can observe everyone better. I pull out my notebook, pen and switch my cell phone to silent. As I look up two men are walking into the room and my throat catches. Wait, is this a mixed group session or are these men simply lost. Please be lost. No such luck they confidently come in and find a seat, one of which is to my immediate right. My breathing is becoming shallow and I can feel my pulse racing. Just breath Lori, put your big girl panties on and grow up, you can handle this. God is surely with you. Well, the Spirit is always by my side but now so is this strange man. Just Breath girl, get a hold of yourself. The group facilitator is introducing herself and asking us to go around the room and give our first name, how we are feeling and some ridiculous question regarding movie titles for our life or some other nonsense. Is everyone looking at me, can they see my heart about to leap out of my chest, am I sweating or is that a tear escaping my left eye? What was the question I was supposed to be answering? Oh yeah how am I feeling so I look at the page in front of me with silly little faces and descriptive feeling words listed underneath and I try to focus on how I am feeling. Scared, vulnerable, anxious all came to mind and I quickly search for some more positive adjectives and grabbed onto cautiously, optimistic and added that to my verbal reply with vulnerable. I don't even remember hearing my voice but apparently I must have spoke up at some point. Then there was a knock at the door and my worst fears come to fruition, there is another man striding through the door and there is no other seat available but the one to my left. This can't be happening. I am about to be sandwiched between two strange men and I am supposed to be sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings with this group of complete strangers. This is like a nightmare and all I can hope for is to be woken up before I completely break down into a puddle of tears or run out the door. What could this counselor have been thinking by placing me in this group? Throughout the rest of the meeting all I could do is convulsively swallow down the bile which wouldn't cease rising in my throat. Many of you will find this hard to believe but I was speechless. I contributed nothing to the ongoing conversation. All I could think about was how slowly the hands of the clock seemed to be moving backwards. My ears perked up when the facilitator said our time was closing out but if anyone wanted to speak privately she would be available for a few minutes afterwards. As my fellow group members were filing out of the room I courageously stood up and headed over to chat with the facilitator. I had to wait a few minutes while she conversed with another member of the group but finally I stood face to face with her. I stumbled over my words at first, but somehow managed to get out my confusion regarding the fact that I hadn't realized this was a mixed group. She blankly stared at me for a moment and then inanely mumbled something about sorry she hadn't mentioned that. Oops! Seriously? So then I pushed forward and asked her if I had remembered to speak up about my past experience with abuse and domestic violence. Again with the blank stare and then a small glimmering light appeared. She nervously laughed and said "Oh you did seem to be sandwiched between two men. Well maybe next time we can make sure you sit between myself and the other facilitator." NEXT TIME! Are you kidding me? There will not be a next time. You put me in harms way and you don't even grasp the gravity of what I just experienced. I of course didn't even have the courage to speak up at that point. I smiled politely, left the room shaking and went home to drink a glass of wine and cry.
So now that I have had some time to process this experience, I am calmer but still stunned. I think several of us have had similar experiences and need to help each other by first talking about it. Bringing it into the light and rehashing it so we can glean some coping mechanisms and healing thoughts. For me personally I needed to identify why this particular situation triggered me. Except for brothers at church, doctors and or nurses I don't exactly run into strange men and even if I do at a store or outing, it's not in an intimate setting. Therefore in no way was I prepared to be mentally and emotionally vulnerable in a counseling setting with men and I will need to make that clear with any future counselor. I will also need to respond to this latest counselor with healthy feedback so that she can set up her future clients for success. And then I need to continue to reach out to those in my inner circle and pray and talk out these experiences so that they don't unhealthily bottle up and cause more damage to my psyche. Having said that...this is why I chose to blog this out today and I thank you all for listening and sharing your unconditional love with me. Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep engaging in dialogue together here and everywhere we can.
