The Mask of Confidence has become my constant go to when ever I am afraid, whenever I feel like I am losing control or simply don't want to move in the direction God is gently leading me. Instead lately the only way for God to get my attention is for my body to literally shut down. This past Wednesday would be a good example. I am currently battling a two different infections, my bone scan revealed that from my neck down my bones are slowly deteriorating, my blood sugars are once again off the charts and out of control and the concussion migraines cause me to fall, be out of balance etc...and I have two kidney stones which are not large enough to cause a blockage but are currently floating around and causing pain and damage. What a mess but some of this could have been avoided if I had simply listened to my body, not allowed my fear of men to keep me from going to the ER sooner and if I had humbled myself and allowed others to help me. Sometimes I think God must throw up His hands in complete frustration and then simply start to laugh when I finally come to Him because He's been there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn to Him.
Yes, I have liver disease and much of my health issues are part of an auto immune disorder but I do not help my body because I hate it, I don't trust it to love me in return and I definitely don't trust others to love and respect it. Some of you have heard me say that my weight is my false security blanket. What a joke. My weight isn't preventing anything but it sure is debilitating me mentally, physically and spiritually. Why does it take so long for some of us to learn our lessons? I want to be free, I want to live life without fear, I want to trust and love myself and others but in my mind and heart these are monumental tasks like moving a mountain or stopping the rise and fall of the ocean.
Yes, I have been abused since an early age but FEAR is going to keep me imprisoned if I can't learn to faithfully trust that I am unconditionally loved by a mighty Savior. Perfectionism is a sin, self loathing is a sin, false confidence is a sin and not being able to truly love is a tragedy because it is the most basic principle of grace and if I can't accept it then I will never fully know and enjoy the best gift ever given. So this is me being transparent, vulnerable and at the beginning of the path of true nurturing. Much love to you all and may my willingness to be open only serve to help and benefit those I love and others who have suffered needlessly.
