Mental & Spiritual Vulnerability

So I know it's been a little while since I put up a new post but life has been pretty busy.  First I had to do battle with a pretty nasty cold, then I had to get back into my workout routine and then send the boys off to camp.  One as a camper and one a counselor.  It's been a weird week because its been a long time since I had to get out of bed just for myself.  Monday took some serious mental games but my desire not to miss out on my now traditional workout finally won out. I then had dinner with Christie and her parents and then went and spent the rest of the evening with my long time friend Tina chatting long hours into the night.  I have watched 6 movies since the boys have been gone, some good, some not so good,  I have finished reading Acts and now am going to turn my attention to some further inner reflecting.  I have found that I don't know where my value lies and if I have any value outside that of my past.  I know this may sound crazy to some of you but I've always been the girl with the past and how she overcame it and I find myself wanting to be more than that.  I want to be healthy and fresh and new and yet loved and respected all the same.  I know my heavenly Father loves me and cherishes me but now I want to love myself too, which will be a whole new experience for me. I am trying to take some of that advice of Henry David Thoreau's and create some new mental and spiritual paths by not only meditating on God's Word but on everything I can get my hands on that is positive and healthy, whether it pertains to diet, physical fitness, health, faith, my soul...you name it.  If you would like to join me on this particular part of the journey then lets share reading lists, favorite quotes, healthy activities or recipes.  I will share with you and hopefully you will share with me and together we will find value not only in ourselves but in our relationship with God and each other.  I can't wait to hear from you...

Resumo Fides

Renewed Faith and Hope!  Today was my first day back walking after a week of being down and out in the bed sick with a nasty cold.  I was able to accomplish 2 miles in about 30 minutes so kept a pretty good pace but was definitely tired upon reaching the porch.  As I passed by one of my favorite houses in the neighborhood I was reminded of the tired old house's transformation from decrepit to new paint, windows, new sod and a beautiful wrought iron fence.  It positively sparkles with newness and renewed life.  I too need a transformation and am in the midst of renovations.  So far I have lost almost 20 pounds and the first goal is to have 81 off by the end of August.  Then over the next 8 months to lose another 100 lbs.  I know it is ambitious but necessary.  I have the most amazing people on my team cheering me on and can't wait to get back in the pool tomorrow.  My eating truly seems to be finally in balance so that although all I could do last week was to watch what crossed my lips, I was still able to lose a couple of pounds.  One of my friends had a birthday and she gave out wishes to all of us in her bible study group and mine said "In the face of uncertainty and obstacles, I wish you courage."  I gratefully accepted her well wishes and plan to use lots of courage this week to continue to not only get out of bed but to continue having success in my physical transformation so that just like that old house I shall be sparkling with renewed energy and health.  

Excellentia

If as the great philosopher Aristotle says "we are what we repeatedly do" and that excellence is a choice than that is what I have chosen this week.  I did not necessarily do it with great glory but I did choose to exercise every day this past week.  I seem to be struggling with the balance of eating enough so that my body doesn't go into starvation mode and when I need to cut back or really pay attention to portion control.  I only lost a couple of more pounds this last week which after last weeks initial 10 was disappointing to say the least.  This new balancing act is frustrating and my bum left knee is beginning to pain me beyond belief.  Don't worry I will not give up but as I previously stated this has been a rough week.  By Friday I was trying to remind myself that if good is not a substitute for great than I would really need to push myself in these last two workouts of the week.  So I began to give myself some goals on the bike and in the pool. Like try to make five miles instead of four on the bike and swim the length of the pool in thirty strokes or less.  It seemed to help because Friday and Saturday's workouts were much more fulfilling. So I shall continue to strive for excellence with each workout and with each morsel of food which crosses my lips and I hope you will too...  

sedecim dies of mensis

On this sixth day of the month it was most definitely a Monday.  I had the most difficult time getting motivated and all day long I felt like I was in a battle.  It didn't stop me from exercising but they were lackluster workouts. However I guess the good thing out of all this is I didn't stop even during the last excruciating moments of cycling or when I felt my knee begin to give out on the way home.  Today was probably not my finest hour eating wise as I lazily partook of some left over pizza past my 7:30 P.M. deadline.  But at least all my sugars have been good and I am not giving in to temptation with any kind of consistency.  Kris has been amazing sitting and talking with me as I struggle and pushing me in the most positive ways.  I know that it all comes down to me though and my willingness to continue on this healthy journey.  When you next see me ask me if I have started my goal board yet.  This is next on my list and I have been putting it off.  Not exactly sure why except that by putting actual concrete goals up on a board where others can see it makes it truly real and it comes with expectations other than those in my mind.  And don't forget that Tuesday's and Thursday's are relatively open for walks with others so let's schedule a walking date...

Who is my strength

Pretty rough day emotionally.  I wish my body could do all that my mind thinks that it should be capable of.  I keep reminding myself that my body is like a wall that must be rebuilt and that I can't do that without the help of my loving Father.  I was reading in Nehemiah 4:6 where the people were having to rebuild the walls of their town for protection and was reminded that in a way I am doing the same thing with my spiritual and physical self as protection from Satan and those who would tare me down.  Just as for the Israelite's God is posting help along my tenements, Kris my trainer, Tawana and Tina, friends following my story, my sons, Dan and Ken Bubb who continue to give me encouragement in so many ways, all those praying for me on this journey and so many more that I can't mention them all.  Nehemiah 4:13-23 tells me I have no need to be afraid as I daily return with my friends and loved ones to work on the new healthy walls and that in so doing I am equipping myself with the best tools to be a physically and spiritually healthy disciple. In this way I can have JOY in the face of opposition.  This new part of the journey is proving difficult but I know as I press ever onward and keep myself fixated on the long term benefits and joys I will be rewarded not just physically but mentally and in my spirit.  Tomorrow its back to a pretty intensive workout.  I have the goal of losing another 10 lbs this week so if you see me in passing please spur me on with encouragement and maybe we could even go for a walk together.  Love you all and hope you choose to make it a good week...

Novus Sanus Consuetudo habeo - I have New Healthy Habits

So this makes it three days in a row, only four more to officially make it a habit, at least that's what they tell me.  Do something for at least seven times and then it will become as a habit.  As hard as it was to get out of bed this morning it was just as amazing to still be able to workout. The muscles loosened and warmed up and I was able to accomplish all of my goals even shaving off a minute of my walk home.  I will admit that I had to take a two hour nap this afternoon as exhaustion from this new healthy lifestyle was beginning to catch up with me.  This new book I am reading is truly helping me to continue in my spiritual goals of being exquisitely conscious, especially with regards to the Will of God.  Discipline in today's society is not a good thing but as I let my heavenly Father not only have more control but become the center of all my life, I am truly becoming free.  Order is being restored, less chaos and a peace which pervades all I do.  Isaiah 40:8 "The grass withers, the flowers fade but the Word of our God stands forever."  This verse and many others in my personal studies are helping me to be reassured that God is always with me especially as I spend time pursuing a relationship with Him.  God is my comfort in difficult times.  A loving father who never forgets to discipline me nor to shower me with His Love.  "God lays claim to us and plans to transform us until we become the creatures He always intended us to be." Jerry Sittser, The Will of God as a Way of Life  This is just another piece of the transformation in which God is molding me with these new healthy habits so that I can become all that God has intended for me, whether that be here on earth or in the heavenly realms. 

Joyful Exhaustion Part II

OK so made it through the second day of temporary insanity, except that you and I know that if I want to get on this transplant list, this is not temporary.  So Kris came over this morning and pushed me to the limit with a pretty high impact cardio workout, then with a few minutes of a break we walked up to Gonzaga (1.25 miles away).  Then I rode the bicycle for 20 minutes, I was supposed to be on for 30 but my left knee just about gave out so not wanting to feel like I had failed I hopped onto the treadmill for the last 10 minutes.  Then it was off to the locker room to get changed into a suit and hit the pool for an hour of activity in the water.  I say activity because it's not like I have the stamina yet or skill to do laps for an hour.  But for one hour I kept moving constantly whether it was laps, water walking or simply treading water.  Then came one of the hardest moments of my day.  I had to go back into the locker room and attempt to get my ridiculously overweight body out of a wet shirt and bathing suit, shower in this tiny stall and all the while pray no one was looking at me.  Sneak into the bathroom stall to futilely attempt to put on my undergarments on a hastily dried body and I just about lost it.  Tears were forming because I was so ashamed that it was almost more difficult to redress myself than to workout.  Somehow I made it through and proceeded to walk back home (1.25 miles) and I did it in 22 minutes which is a pretty good pace for me.  It hurt to chew the bagel and peanut-butter, every muscle in my body was aching.  Downed a couple ibuprofen, took a twenty minute catnap and then had to pick up, get some bible study in and begin dinner, which by the way was excellent.  I then had to call the police and report my friend Joan Zarns as a missing person.  I haven't really let myself stop and think about all the ramifications.  All I seem to be able to do is pray that she is somehow OK.  Please if you think of her, say a little prayer for her well-being.  Tomorrow will be day three of this new healthy lifestyle and I pray I am up for it.  Goodnight all...