Cupiditas Praemium Suum Est to Run-Desire to Run

So yesterday was a bit traumatic for me and it was out of the blue and completely unexpected but as you may know this is often how traumatic episodes blindside us. I had recently sought out a counselor to help me process some of the things related to my long term chronic liver disease and my upcoming new empty nest. I felt that I spoke plainly with the intake professional but apparently we were not on the same page. She asked me if I was willing to join a recovery wellness group and I thought I wasn't sure if this is what I needed but sure I was willing to try so I agreed to show up. I get to the meeting room a few minutes early and find a seat at the back so I can observe everyone better. I pull out my notebook, pen and switch my cell phone to silent. As I look up two men are walking into the room and my throat catches. Wait, is this a mixed group session or are these men simply lost. Please be lost. No such luck they confidently come in and find a seat, one of which is to my immediate right. My breathing is becoming shallow and I can feel my pulse racing. Just breath Lori, put your big girl panties on and grow up, you can handle this. God is surely with you. Well, the Spirit is always by my side but now so is this strange man. Just Breath girl, get a hold of yourself. The group facilitator is introducing herself and asking us to go around the room and give our first name, how we are feeling and some ridiculous question regarding movie titles for our life or some other nonsense. Is everyone looking at me, can they see my heart about to leap out of my chest, am I sweating or is that a tear escaping my left eye? What was the question I was supposed to be answering? Oh yeah how am I feeling so I look at the page in front of me with silly little faces and descriptive feeling words listed underneath and I try to focus on how I am feeling. Scared, vulnerable,  anxious all came to mind and I quickly search for some more positive adjectives and grabbed onto cautiously, optimistic and added that to my verbal reply with vulnerable. I don't even remember hearing my voice but apparently I must have spoke up at some point. Then there was a knock at the door and my worst fears come to fruition, there is another man striding through the door and there is no other seat available but the one to my left. This can't be happening. I am about to be sandwiched between two strange men and I am supposed to be sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings with this group of complete strangers. This is like a nightmare and all I can hope for is to be woken up before I completely break down into a puddle of tears or run out the door. What could this counselor have been thinking by placing me in this group? Throughout the rest of the meeting all I could do is convulsively swallow down the bile which wouldn't cease rising in my throat. Many of you will find this hard to believe but I was speechless. I contributed nothing to the ongoing conversation. All I could think about was how slowly the hands of the clock seemed to be moving backwards. My ears perked up when the facilitator said our time was closing out but if anyone wanted to speak privately she would be available for a few minutes afterwards. As my fellow group members were filing out of the room I courageously stood up and headed over to chat with the facilitator. I had to wait a few minutes while she conversed with another member of the group but finally I stood face to face with her. I stumbled over my words at first, but somehow managed to get out my confusion regarding the fact that I hadn't realized this was a mixed group. She blankly stared at me for a moment and then inanely mumbled something about sorry she hadn't mentioned that. Oops! Seriously? So then I pushed forward and asked her if I had remembered to speak up about my past experience with abuse and domestic violence. Again with the blank stare and then a small glimmering light appeared. She nervously laughed and said "Oh you did seem to be sandwiched between two men. Well maybe next time we can make sure you sit between myself and the other facilitator."  NEXT TIME! Are you kidding me? There will not be a next time. You put me in harms way and you don't even grasp the gravity of what I just experienced. I of course didn't even have the courage to speak up at that point. I smiled politely, left the room shaking and went home to drink a glass of wine and cry.

So now that I have had some time to process this experience, I am calmer but still stunned. I think several of us have had similar experiences and need to help each other by first talking about it. Bringing it into the light and rehashing it so we can glean some coping mechanisms and healing thoughts. For me personally I needed to identify why this particular situation triggered me. Except for brothers at church, doctors and or nurses I don't exactly run into strange men and even if I do at a store or outing, it's not in an intimate setting. Therefore in no way was I prepared to be mentally and emotionally vulnerable in a counseling setting with men and I will need to make that clear with any future counselor. I will also need to respond to this latest counselor with healthy feedback so that she can set up her future clients for success. And then I need to continue to reach out to those in my inner circle and pray and talk out these experiences so that they don't unhealthily bottle up and cause more damage to my psyche. Having said that...this is why I chose to blog this out today and I thank you all for listening and sharing your unconditional love with me. Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep engaging in dialogue together here and everywhere we can.

Unum diem ad tempos-One Day at a Time

So I have been having some pretty awesome quiet times lately and I wanted to share one of them I found extremely impactful…I hope it helps you and gives you encouragement and hope…Bless you my friends and loved ones  

Yes in Exodus we have a song for Moses but there is also a song for Miriam and I found myself asking why? Why is she identified in the Word as a prophetess? Although she was the eldest sister of Aaron and Moses; why did the women seem to follow her lead? 

What a loving older sibling she was to Moses, waiting in the reeds by the river to make sure he survived. Arranging for a nurse maid (their own mother) to help the Pharaoh’s daughter raise Moses. Upon the death of the Pharaoh and his men, Miriam led the Israelite women in a victory song and dance and it is pro-ported that a well of fresh water followed the Israelites throughout their time in the desert until Miriam’s death. 

Miriam also had her faults. She led her brother Aaron to speak against Moses in a discrepancy regarding a Cushing woman Moses had married (Numbers 12:1) and even questioning together their brothers monopoly over divine communication (Numbers 12:2). For this Miriam was punished with tzaaras (leprosy…Numbers12:10). But Aaron and Moses plead for her and she is healed. However just like her brothers she too dies in the desert before reaching the promised land (Numbers 20:1). 

Miriam not only lived to see her childhood prophecy fulfilled but together with her brother she was one of 3 devoted shepherds of her people throughout their 40 years in the desert…she is a pretty amazing woman to study. 

According to Jewish history Miriam was part of the faith filled contingency of Jewish women slaves who led by example to never lose faith that God’s promises of freedom would one day come to fruition. although she felt pain acutely, she would not succumb to fear or despair. She was exposed to abject cruelty yet she would not yield to moral corruption or apathy. Bravely and resolutely she kept vigilant watch over her faith with eternal hope in the promise of redemption. This gives my soul such encouragement :) 

When I think of Miriam I am reminded of my own childhood. Not the slavery but the concept of having little to no control of the depraved individuals who were master over me. Feeling pain, while at the same time rebelling over its overpowering hold to discover a seed of faith; with a yearning deep within my heart. 

Many years later Miriam and these Israelite women left their homes in such a hurry that the bread for the day hadn’t finished rising yet they remembered to bring timbrels (tambourines) with them…why? What were these women thinking? These women who have seen affliction beyond the human breaking point. What is on the hearts of these women who bore too much anguish to fathom? What do their worn tired, beaten bodies carry out of Egypt? Tambourines! Instruments with which to sing and praise God for the miracles they knew would come to be…

Engulfed in misery the women and Miriam never lost vision. Just like Miriam they found more - their own spirit of rebellion against depression; a natural outgrowth of their shared circumstances. Against apathy and hopelessness which are also easily accepted outgrowths but instead found the strength to fortify themselves and never lose hope. Amidst agony these women prepared tambourines. Fanning the spark of yearning within their souls until it grew into an inextinguishable flame of faith. As bitter as their lives became-their faith grew stronger! A feminine strength born out of bitterness. A faith sewn amidst despair. This is not only the strength of Miriam and the Israelite women who left Egypt but each and every one of us. We too can be equipped with tambourines and dance with Joy because of our Faith! 

I love you dear friends and family and am looking forward to dancing with you in the rain…
weathering storms together and celebrating all that this life has to offer despite pain, slavery, apathy, depravity and a simple lack of love. 
Let’s help each other to make our own tambourines so that we too can sing and dance in Joy before the Lord! 
Love Always & Forever, Your Sister in Christ Lori L 

Sometimes the Way the Cookie Crumbles is SOOOOO not fun

It has been a difficult week to say the least, at least emotionally. I feel like I am on a roller coaster, (which btw, I normally love) one minute I am soaring in the clouds and the next I am in the depths of sadness. This truly is not fun and I am struggling to get off...sigh. Let's start by counting my blessings: Celebrating an early birthday with a lovely friend at the theater, my oldest son loving me how he knows I appreciate it (quality time and words of affirmation) an inspirational time with the lovely ladies in my bi-monthly devotional group, a lovely time with a sister close to my heart where we vented and then prayed together for almost an hour...best friends checking in on me, having lunch with me, texting and chatting. So I can read your minds already, what do I have to complain about, right? Well for everyone of those positives there was an equal or greater opposite, negative occurrence! Hard to believe because this is not normally my life but this week has truly been a dichotomy in let downs. Yet I am reminded that I am still breathing, I don't live in a third world country, my current city of residence is not plagued with riots. I live in a country where despite some negative connotations associated with religion, I am free to pray and conduct myself in a faithful way without fear of reprisal, my current country is not engaged in civil war and my health although far from quality is still helping me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So I guess I will continue to pray, forgive, encourage and be happy that my God's mercies are new every morning. I guess sometimes it is simply the way the cookie crumbles and I can choose to be saddened or pour myself a lovely glass of milk and enjoy every morsel of that cookie in whatever shape it comes...thx for listening and God Bless...if we haven't chatted lately, let's plan to do so soon :)

Carpe Spero - Reloaded

OK so here I am still writing, still living and now I am going to reload my hearts desire and keep trying to Carpe Spero (seize the hope)! I love that God let's us have the "do over" every day...

Stay focused on the prize. This busy world can cause many people confusion, and it will cause many to lose focus, start on some things, and only finish a select few things by the time the opportunities they have are pretty much deflated and irrelevant. One of the hugest lessons we should all commit to learning in life is to always keep the main thing, and our main dreams as our main focus until we are finished with them!

Let go of the distractions you have in life. Distractions can come in the form of people, hobbies, objects, and also in many other varieties. We must know for ourselves what is most important, and what will take away from our lives, instead of adding to it. These things are things that we must proactively try to rid ourselves of at all times possible. Your mission isn't to keep everyone around you satisfied, your mission is to stay focused and work harder everyday to reach your dreams.

the above was from searchquotes.com and below is my caveat

My first and foremost focus is GOD O:), but after that it has always been my sons or my family or friends or work and now I am searching for what should be first after God and I am realizing that if my health isn't a top priority then I may not be around to have or pursue any of the other priorities in my so called life...and by health I don't just mean my physical body (although that is important especially in regards to getting on the transplant list) but my mental and emotional health as well. If these things are not in harmony/balance then we cannot pursue anything else...whether it be a worthy goal or not ;)  So as for me and my house we will most definitely Serve the LORD, take care of my temple (my heart, soul, mind and body) and then for now it's all still up in the air and we shall just have to wait and see...

PERICULOSUS- To Be Vulnerable

My good friend Tina suggested I do some journaling...so this is me taking that advice to heart. I am about to be extremely vulnerable and I ask that you will please take care with what I am about to reveal and please know that these words are shared so that if you too have been hurt or struggle with emotional eating, abuse, loneliness, fear and I am sure the list could go on for some time as so much is based in fear. Many of you know that I have recently been challenged to lose 100#'s and I not only took this challenge seriously I have embarked on this journey with about 40 other folks. I can't help myself sometimes...I believe that if I am struggling with something there must be someone out there who is as well...it's my way of battling the enemy, Satan, who is constantly trying to get me believe I am all alone. This 100# Challenge was nothing short of one of the hugest leaps of faith for me but here I am in the 2nd week, down -8.8#'s and feeling hopeful and yet terrified all in the same breath. As an extrovert folks seems to have the impression that I simply love people, get along with everyone I meet and life is one BIG, Happy Party. The BIG secret is I am shaking in my boots and the bold confidence which you think you see is a mask, a shield if you will, to protect me. From what you ask? Possibly you or anyone else who will most likely hurt me. There I have said it...I live in FEAR! Some of it is unfortunately based on hard, cruel  facts but most, if I'm honest has unrealistically built up over many years. My weight has become the security blanket that is now literally and figuratively killing me.

Physically I suffer from diabetes and am currently insulin dependent. I have two underlying causes for my Chronic Liver disease, primary biliary cirrhosis and Non-Alcoholic Stetohepatitis. Diabetic Gastopareses-slow intestinal tract alongside of Hepatic Encephalopathy which effects my memory, causes fatigue and emulates early onset  dementia and if not kept stable can send me suddenly, with little to no warning into a coma.

Figuratively, I am afraid of others, especially men. I am unsure of who I can trust and therefor often feel lonely or heartbroken. At times I am ready to leave this earthly realm but I ask you not to panic at my honest words. I have no intention of harming myself, I am simply tired and in need of a little rest, tender love and care and as I stated previously doing my best to be vulnerable. Having said all that; I know as a disciple of Christ that these needs can and will be met through the help of the Holy Spirit and the unconditional love my Savior if I would only let Him take care of me :)

Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep Seizing Hope together - Carpe Spero

Periculosus - To Be Vulnerable

My good friend Tina suggested I do some journaling...so this is me taking that advice to heart. I am about to be extremely vulnerable and I ask that you will please take care with what I am about to reveal and please know that these words are shared so that if you too have been hurt or struggle with emotional eating, abuse, loneliness, fear and I am sure the list could go on for some time as so much is based in fear. Many of you know that I have recently been challenged to lose 100#'s and I not only took this challenge seriously I have embarked on this journey with about 40 other folks. I can't help myself sometimes...I believe that if I am struggling with something there must be someone out there who is as well...it's my way of battling the enemy, Satan, who is constantly trying to get me believe I am all alone. This 100# Challenge was nothing short of one of the hugest leaps of faith for me but here I am in the 2nd week, down -8.8#'s and feeling hopeful and yet terrified all in the same breath. As an extrovert folks seems to have the impression that I simply love people, get along with everyone I meet and life is one BIG, Happy Party. The BIG secret is I am shaking in my boots and the bold confidence which you think you see is a mask, a shield if you will, to protect me. From what you ask? Possibly you or anyone else who will most likely hurt me. There I have said it...I live in FEAR! Some of it is unfortunately based on hard, cruel  facts but most, if I'm honest has unrealistically built up over many years. My weight has become the security blanket that is now literally and figuratively killing me.

Physically I suffer from diabetes and am currently insulin dependent. I have two underlying causes for my Chronic Liver disease, primary biliary cirrhosis and Non-Alcoholic Stetohepatitis. Diabetic Gastopareses-slow intestinal tract alongside of Hepatic Encephalopathy which effects my memory, causes fatigue and emulates early onset  dementia and if not kept stable can send me suddenly, with little to no warning into a coma.

Figuratively, I am afraid of others, especially men. I am unsure of who I can trust and therefor often feel lonely or heartbroken. At times I am ready to leave this earthly realm but I ask you not to panic at my honest words. I have no intention of harming myself, I am simply tired and in need of a little rest, tender love and care and as I stated previously doing my best to be vulnerable. Having said all that; I know as a disciple of Christ that these needs can and will be met through the help of the Holy Spirit and the unconditional love my Savior if I would only let Him take care of me :)

Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep Seizing Hope together - Carpe Spero

gaudia currentem-joys of running

So I apologize to my few followers that I haven't written since the Summer. Life has been so very busy (as usual...lol!) My caregivers are amazing and so are Kevin and several of my sisters in the church...they all make me feel so loved and taken care of. But now to the important part of tonights blog...

     So some of you may know that when I was much younger I used to be pretty athletic (surfing, volleyball, tennis, hiking and track and field, to name a few). Due to several injuries, some cancer and  life obstacles I gained weight and lost all ability to do much of what I love. I honestly never thought I would get to participate in sporting events again, especially after my escapade with volleyball this Summer. Concussions are so not fun :(
   
     Today I defyed all my fears of falling, moved despite fatigue and cried happy tears as I was once again able to run. In all fairness it was not on land rather in the water with special deep water running shoes. It was so amazing, exilerating and freeing. If you have never had something that you were passionate about taken away from you, I am not sure you can comprehend the levels of joy I felt today but if you, like me, have had to put passions aside due to unforeseen circumstances then you should be able to identify at some level.

Habakkuk 3:17-19New International Version (NIV)

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

I, who was unable to produce physically, have been given a second chance and I am rejoicing in the Lord who is most definitely my strength and my feeble legs were able to run and jump ;) It was Awesome! Tonight my muscles are a little sore but I am happily fatigued from this afternoons experience. Please feel free to respond with some inspiring stories of your own and if any of you want to come for a swim or run with me in the pool, let's schedule some time...swimming, swimming, just keep swimming and now I can add water running to that song in my heart...God is So Good!