On this journey to find peace I have come to realize that I do not need to hide my honest wonderings from God. I know for some of you this is a simple concept but for me it is monumental and a whole new perspective for one who is known as the keeper of secrets. I have been reading a book entitled Choosing Real by Bekah Jane Pogue and for me it has caused some profound, thought provoking changes in my reality. In chapter one she begins with an amazing quote from Oswald Chambers which I would like to personalize, so please forgive my stumbling attempt to make a quote applicable to me personally. I am desiring to have a daily attitude which chooses to be willing to “go out” in dependence upon God, and as I do this I find there is an inexpressible charm about almost everything because there is such satisfaction in knowing that Jesus is pleased with this dependence and it allows for a deeper context in my spiritual relationship with my savior. When I “go out” through my convictions, creeds or experiences I come to the turning point in my faith where there is nothing between myself and God.
I can read the words, sing the songs, smile, serve, love others and pour myself into all things church but if I keep attempting this on my own all it will deliver is exhaustion, a sense of being overwhelmed and inevitably to my being burnt out. I have often mistaken Godly responsibility with intimacy. Life has been like one giant party in which I have been in charge of coordinating. All while seeking flawless perfection which we all know is not even remotely possible (LOL). I ignored complications, bowled over obstacles, and even hurt others because they couldn’t possibly know what was best...sigh. How can I be so egotistical and proud. In my need for control because I feared failure, lack of perfection and of course never wanting to let someone get close enough to hurt me I have been hurting others. And if you are one of those folks I am indeed sorry. Even if it wasn’t intentional I am responsible for my action and thus I am also responsible for a complete reversal in my heart and in my actions. So here’s to more transformation and vulnerability and transparency.
Reality has a way of slapping us down and then we begin to doubt our abilities, our faith, our legacy. I have wondered if my life was a sham? However my unconditionally loving Father tells me (when I will slow down long enough to listen) NO! No my daughter, but your unrealistic expectations for perfection aren’t real. My Father loves spontenaity, the unexpected, so why can’t I? I want to celebrate the manifestations of the Spirit but when my hope is not in God, rather my skills, my education, etc...if I continue to place my confidence in the latter things then I will continue to feel burn out, failure and to be discouraged. I am seeking authenticity, a heart ready for Joy and Pain, Dancing and Rest, room for every experience under the sun; not just the ones I have attempted to perfectly orchestrate. My life or at least the rest of it, is going to be a Leap of Faith!
I am relinquishing my feeble attempts, my need for control, my people pleasing goals, and all the masks I have created and worn for almost a half century. I am realizing that although masks have served some good purposes-protection, energy, flexibility and fun; in the end they were actually stifling and smothering me. With the masks I could never truly be free. Only with God’s love can I truly transition healthily into all that God has in mind. His visions are so much grander than mine, more fulfilling and perfect! The masks presuppose a false perfection when my Father wants to be beautifully revealed in the mess-so that His unconditional love, grace and mercy can not only be revealed but Shine in all His Glory!
Authenticity is a synonym for Jesus
I want more than mountain top experiences. I want to love and embrace the simplest of moments, especially when Jesus is there with me in the smallest of steps. My faith has been performance based. I have used God like a seasonal accessory-inviting Him into my life for the BIG Party’s and hoping He would simply provide my just desserts. Never realizing my Father preferred my quiet times; usually a cup of coffee, a simple meal, some laughter and even some tears-every breath in and out.
Why is it we hear little of life not going as planned? I need to know how real life collides with faith. I think if we are honest with ourselves, FEAR is at the center. Fear of not being accepted in our imperfection, fear of failing, fear of not being enough for our loved ones, friends-let alone ourselves. So can I learn to trust my unknown to God more than I trust my ability to control? Trust Him more than any outcome or plan? Can I learn how to have an expectant posture with my Father? Or do I keep trusting in a 12 step program, self-help book-you fill in the blank here...I want and need to throw my hands up and let Jesus work. Let Him weave my passions and pains gracefully with His Master Plans. I want to do life with my Savior!
I shall close with another beautiful quote by Ulrich Henn-German Sculptor
“All men, believing in God or not, are invited to enter. I wish to make them curious to see what God has to offer them within the cathedral.”
