Beatus Vitae or #BlessedLife

Recently as I was viewing the ocean on my final day of a 3 nights and four day trip to Sylvia Beach with a bestie (Stacy) I couldn’t help but feel inadequate at expressing all that I was feeling in that moment. So I chose to use 26 letters to give you an inkling of my grand experience...

A- Appropo, as I consider myself a writer
B- Blissfully content
C- Charming Atmosphere inside and out
D- Decadent food and beverage
E- Encouraging to the mind, body and soul
F- Fanciful delights abound
G- Grandeur
H- Heavenly perspective
I- Insightful
J- Joyful
K- Kindred
L- Laughter enjoyed by us all but for Stacy and I at times it was side splitting, belly shaking
M- Merry for December and silliness
N- Napping in giant Adirondack deck chairs
O- Overawed in every aspect but wonderfully so
P- Poignant in a blessed way
Q- Quaint and endearing
R- Radiant and Seahabilitative (a new word in my personal dictionary)
S- Sanguine
T- Theraputic on so many levels
U- Umbrella not required for singing in the rain
V- Vintage on a grand scale
W- Wistful to stay longer
X- Xenagogue’s welcome as there is much to explore
Y- Yearning to return before I’ve even left
Z- Zenithial as you will feel you’ve reached new heights

This trip inspired me to do more writing and reading and continue in my introspections regarding my spiritual life alongside my physical one and I encourage all of you to take a trip like this one soon...very soon. We need a quiet retreat from the chaos of this crazy thing called life. Especially from social media, phones, texts and anything technological. We did enjoy a little music via headphones, but mostly our time was spent talking, reading, writing, eating, sleeping and soaking in our giant claw foot tub in a room dedicated to the works of Mark Twain. Fires, ocean waves pounding continually in the background and divine food and spirits. Absolute perfection in my humble opinion and my wish for all of you, someday soon...

In Honor of Seizing the Moment

So according to this book entitled “10,000 Places To See Before You Die” I can say I have been to at least one thanks to my dear friend Stacy. The Oregon Coastline and more specifically, The Sylvia Beach Hotel in Newport, OR. It’s named after it’s owner and founder of the Shakespear & Co bookstore in Paris during the 1920’s and 30’s. A green shingled, turn of the century building, sitting atop a rocky bluff overlooking the awesome and mighty, Northern Pacific Ocean. It’s quirky and quaint and the 20 guest rooms are uniquely styled after renowned authors like Agatha Christie, Earnest Hemingway, Jane Austen and Dr. Seuss. There are treasures in every nook and cranny, multiple fireplaces, a cozy library on the 3rd floor and the dining room overlooks the beach. I have been told to expect a hearty breakfast each morning and coffee and tea are freely flowing 24 hours a day.

On our first night here, after dropping off the luggage into the classic room of Mark Twain, we immediately went on a grand adventure, touring all the open rooms. The rule is, if the door is open, you are invited to take a peek at all the wonders and mysteries each room has to offer. My camera was the busiest piece of technology for the next hour but come here prepared to unplug, as this establishment is considered a quiet retreat. No televisions, no WiFi and if you want to listen to music it must be done through headphones 🎧. One might think boredom would come easily yet quite the opposite is true. There are comfy couches,, stuffed chairs, picturesque window seats and desks aplenty. All beckoning you to sit, relax, dig into a classic tale or possibly begin writing a fantasy of your very own. All the while the pounding surf can be heard in the backdrop, the rustling of pages being turned and even the purr of Shell the resident cat who slips into and out of every room and hallway as if this is her domain and we humans are just passing through.

For o ur first night, Stacy and I dined at a local Pub aptly named Nana’s. A stout Guinness, Irish potato 🥔 soup, a neat scotch, meatloaf smothered with blackstrap gravy and the sweetest soda bread completed our meal. It was a little slice of Irish Heaven on the Oregon Coast. We retreated back to Sylvia Beach to retire in the library with some Irish upside down ginger snap and banana cream pie and spiced mulled wine 🍷 which is served each night at 9 PM. What a perfect ending to a perfect day. Tomorrow when I rise I will get my first glimpse of this amazing coastline from the comfort of my private balcony-coffee and notebook at the ready. Thanks You God for another amazing experience and of course a huge debt of gratitude 🙏🏻 to my dearest Stacy.

#blessedlife

Eligens Realem or Choosing Real

On this journey to find peace I have come to realize that I do not need to hide my honest wonderings from God. I know for some of you this is a simple concept but for me it is monumental and a whole new perspective for one who is known as the keeper of secrets. I have been reading a book entitled Choosing Real by Bekah Jane Pogue and for me it has caused some profound, thought provoking changes in my reality. In chapter one she begins with an amazing quote from Oswald Chambers which I would like to personalize, so please forgive my stumbling attempt to make a quote applicable to me personally. I am desiring to have a daily attitude which chooses to be willing to “go out” in dependence upon God, and as I do this I find there is an inexpressible charm about almost everything because there is such satisfaction in knowing that Jesus is pleased with this dependence and it allows for a deeper context in my spiritual relationship with my savior. When I “go out” through my convictions, creeds or experiences I come to the turning point in my faith where there is nothing between myself and God.

I can read the words, sing the songs, smile, serve, love others and pour myself into all things church but if I keep attempting this on my own all it will deliver is exhaustion, a sense of being overwhelmed and inevitably to my being burnt out. I have often mistaken Godly responsibility with intimacy. Life has been like one giant party in which I have been in charge of coordinating. All while seeking flawless perfection which we all know is not even remotely possible (LOL). I ignored complications, bowled over obstacles, and even hurt others because they couldn’t possibly know what was best...sigh. How can I be so egotistical and proud. In my need for control because I feared failure, lack of perfection and of course never wanting to let someone get close enough to hurt me I have been hurting others. And if you are one of those folks I am indeed sorry. Even if it wasn’t intentional I am responsible for my action and thus I am also responsible for a complete reversal in my heart and in my actions. So here’s to more transformation and vulnerability and transparency.

Reality has a way of slapping us down and then we begin to doubt our abilities, our faith, our legacy. I have wondered if my life was a sham? However my unconditionally loving Father tells me (when I will slow down long enough to listen) NO! No my daughter, but your unrealistic expectations for perfection aren’t real. My Father loves spontenaity, the unexpected, so why can’t I? I want to celebrate the manifestations of the Spirit but when my hope is not in God, rather my skills, my education, etc...if I continue to place my confidence in the latter things then I will continue to feel burn out, failure and to be discouraged. I am seeking authenticity, a heart ready for Joy and Pain, Dancing and Rest, room for every experience under the sun; not just the ones I have attempted to perfectly orchestrate. My life or at least the rest of it, is going to be a Leap of Faith!

I am relinquishing my feeble attempts, my need for control, my people pleasing goals, and all the masks I have created and worn for almost a half century. I am realizing that although masks have served some good purposes-protection, energy, flexibility and fun; in the end they were actually stifling and smothering me. With the masks I could never truly be free. Only with God’s love can I truly transition healthily into all that God has in mind. His visions are so much grander than mine, more fulfilling and perfect! The masks presuppose a false perfection when my Father wants to be beautifully revealed in the mess-so that His unconditional love, grace and mercy can not only be revealed but Shine in all His Glory!

Authenticity is a synonym for Jesus

I want more than mountain top experiences. I want to love and embrace the simplest of moments, especially when Jesus is there with me in the smallest of steps. My faith has been performance based. I have used God like a seasonal accessory-inviting Him into my life for the BIG Party’s and hoping He would simply provide my just desserts. Never realizing my Father preferred my quiet times; usually a cup of coffee, a simple meal, some laughter and even some tears-every breath in and out.

Why is it we hear little of life not going as planned? I need to know how real life collides with faith. I think if we are honest with ourselves, FEAR is at the center. Fear of not being accepted in our imperfection, fear of failing, fear of not being enough for our loved ones, friends-let alone ourselves. So can I learn to trust my unknown to God more than I trust my ability to control? Trust Him more than any outcome or plan? Can I learn how to have an expectant posture with my Father? Or do I keep trusting in a 12 step program, self-help book-you fill in the blank here...I want and need to throw my hands up and let Jesus work. Let Him weave my passions and pains gracefully with His Master Plans. I want to do life with my Savior!

I shall close with another beautiful quote by Ulrich Henn-German Sculptor
     “All men, believing in God or not, are invited to enter. I wish to make them curious to see what God has to offer them within the cathedral.”

colenda interiorem pacem

So my goals lately have been tied into searching out how I can get better with cultivating my inner peace, being vulnerable and transparent and with wearing my trusty masks less and less so that my friends and family can come to love God's creation rather than the facade I often present out of fear.

A word often translated “peace” in the Bible actually means “to tie together as a whole, when all essential parts are joined together.” Inner peace, then, is a wholeness of mind and spirit, a whole heart at rest. Inner peace has little to do with external surroundings. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” He had also told His followers that “in this world you will have many troubles. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). So peace is not the absence of trouble; it is the presence of God.

"What Happens after Death." GotQuestions.org. https://www.gotquestions.org/what-happens-death.html.

With several upcoming decisions I need to make I have definitely felt God's presence but also overwhelmed with the heaviness of these choices I am faced with. I have always known that God has plans for me but I haven't always been the best when trying to tap into exactly what they are so I am attempting to be still and simply Know God so that I can confidently step forward, backward and sometimes even sideways. I have a possible move coming up, some new medical decisions, several tests (an endoscopy, ultrasound and new panel of blood work) and a whole new course of action that my brand new liver specialists wants me to consider, sooner rather than later. 

I have also been attempting to ready my heart for more interactions with men. I have some pretty amazing men currently in my life but with some of my responses to some of my health teams suggestions I am afraid I will have much ore opportunity to interact with men who are already in my life and many who are not as of yet and this is scary to me. Whether I am afraid or not I am boldly moving forward with my decision to pursue more open and honest relationships with the opposite sex and have even asked someone who specializes in this type of prayer to put me on his personal prayer list so that some new doors can be opened for me. As many of you know simply typing about this and speaking these types of conversations out loud is a massive swing in a new direction for me. Please feel free to ask me questions, let's have a bible study together, grab a cup of coffee; so that we may encourage one another, pray for one another and grow in our relationships together.  

This is all I am currently willing to get into but hoping to do some more boggling here so we can process together this journey we call life. Much love to you all and may the cultivating of our inner peace always be something we strive for even and especially in the face of fear! Carpe Spero 💛💛

nutriatur-be nourished

Wow I cannot believe it has been so long since I have blogged. Some of that is because it is my nature to run from uncomfortableness and as usual I have been exceptionally busy. Tomorrow  my youngest son Alex is taking a huge leap of faith and moving over to the west side to be with me and I am so excited. We haven't lived together since right after his graduation from Job Corps and that wasn't our finest hour for sure but God is Good and now we will have a second chance to rewrite that part of our story. My oldest son Kevin was married on Dec 30th to the most lovely young woman a mother in law could ask for. She is grounded in her faith, loves my son and grandson and will definitely keep my oldest son on his toes. I've helped with a couple other weddings, worked on committee's and am Co-Facilitating a new Chronic Illness group with a fabulous friend and sister Brandie; Embracing Our Thorns. Hopefully by now you recognize my inability to settle down but many of you may not know that this restlessness is because I do not know inner peace, I cannot find rest and my over commitment is a way I continue to loathe my body, fail at confidence and continue to wrestle for control away from my Creator as if that were even possible (LOL!)

The Mask of Confidence has become my constant go to when ever I am afraid, whenever I feel like I am losing control or simply don't want to move in the direction God is gently leading me. Instead lately the only way for God to get my attention is for my body to literally shut down. This past Wednesday would be a good example. I am currently battling a two different infections, my bone scan revealed that from my neck down my bones are slowly deteriorating, my blood sugars are once again off the charts and out of control and the concussion migraines cause me to fall, be out of balance etc...and I have two kidney stones which are not large enough to cause a blockage but are currently floating around and causing pain and damage. What a mess but some of this could have been avoided if I had simply listened to my body, not allowed my fear of men to keep me from going to the ER sooner and if I had humbled myself and allowed others to help me. Sometimes I think God must throw up His hands in complete frustration and then simply start to laugh when I finally come to Him because He's been there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn to Him.

Yes, I have liver disease and much of  my health issues are part of an auto immune disorder but I do not help my body because I hate it, I don't trust it to love me in return and I definitely don't trust others to love and respect it. Some of you have heard me say that my weight is my false security blanket. What a joke. My weight isn't preventing anything but it sure is debilitating me mentally, physically and spiritually. Why does it take so long for some of us to learn our lessons? I want to be free, I want to live life without fear, I want to trust and love myself and others but in my  mind and heart these are monumental tasks like moving a mountain or stopping the rise and fall of the ocean.

Yes, I have been abused since an early age but FEAR is going to keep me imprisoned if I can't learn to faithfully trust that I am unconditionally loved by a mighty Savior. Perfectionism is a sin, self loathing is a sin, false confidence is a sin and not being able to truly love is a tragedy because it is the most basic principle of grace and if I can't accept it then I will never fully know and enjoy the best gift ever given. So this is me being transparent, vulnerable and at the beginning of the path of true nurturing. Much love to you all and may my willingness to be open only serve to help and benefit those I love and others who have suffered needlessly.