Decernere-to decide

If you don't know I have been dealing with a lot more pain than I have been accustomed to and it is really changing how I sleep, how I function or rather don't function and the doctors have given me an option of surgery. With that option come some inherent risks but also extra ones as I am not as healthy as I once was. That being said simply put it's on par with flipping a quarter as to the chances of them breaking bones while they are in there and gambling with whether I will even handle the anesthesia and arise after said surgery. I have spoken with trusted friends and  loved ones and spent much time in prayer. Sigh...do the possible benefits outweigh the risks. Honestly, who knows?

I have so many thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind, heart and body. I have cried while praying and even some while writing this. I feel like I have so much to get out and not enough time. I have been wasting time and there is no excuse except that I am human and somehow think I am invincible. Logically I know I am not and physically my body has spent the last decade mercilessly,  reminding me of its failings and weaknesses.

Why do we think somehow we are different? Why would we be the one who overcomes death? Or better yet, why are we special? And if we are not special, than what is our purpose? Don't panic everyone I am not in the middle of an existential crisis...I haven't quite lost my mind yet LOL!

As a daughter of God, I know my purpose-to bring God Glory! Yes the dark side has been pestering my dreams and thoughts of late but because of Jesus Sacrifice, I will overcome! Although I am realizing that it might not be in this body, on this earth. As a selfish human I am coming to terms with this. In my new awareness though, I realize I may not have been living my fullest life because to do so would mean total trust, Not in man but in God. A friend recently challenged me in a completely non-judgmental way to examine my heart and ask myself if I believe, or better yet...do I trust God to take care of me? I am currently living in a house provided by God. I have two loving sons, the women they love and a grandson. I work encouragingly with my brothers and sisters daily to build up God's Kingdom and although my body is physically failing I am currently upright and breathing. So yes I believe God is capable of taking care of me but protecting me...now that's a whole other question.

Many of you know that I have suffered much abuse in my life-at the hands of those who should have loved and protected me, at the hands of strangers and by my own hands. Confession time...I am human! I have fears, a need to run and avoid conflict at all cost and simple stubbornness. Retrospectively we can truly see a fuller picture especially when faced with no longer living or breathing in this world. Yet it is no easy reflection when faced with our own failures as well as the failures of those we thought loved or cared for us or even simply the darkness of this fallen world. Only our Heavenly Father knows that if we could see it completely like He does, can it be truly appreciated. The good, the bad and the ugly make us a whole person. We are beautiful only when we are honest, vulnerable, humble, willing to see our own culpability, our sin, our choices. It is messy but a creator, a designer sees purpose and meaning.

We live in this broken world and reality is living through the mess. Yet we need functionality, reprieve, hope, especially if it's not simply about survival. Who, what, when and how do we do more than survive? How do we live fully, trust fully and bring Glory to our Creator? I realize there are no easy answers. How could there be when we aren't in charge; we aren't capable of winning or losing at least not in the temporal sense. and most importantly we can't do anything alone. God created us to be relational but too often we seek that need to be filled physically when ultimately its a spiritual need which can only be filled in a  loving relationship with El Shaddai - our Heavenly Father.

In todays society the term martyr has such negative connotations but simply identified it's someone who voluntarily submits to the will of something, someone greater than themselves. And in so doing, they are willing to die if necessary to promote or fulfill that cause. Sacrificial living means nothing is above or more important than the end goal. Even if we perish, Gods sovereignty, His purposes, His love, His plans and His Glory can be revealed and seen; especially if we get out of the way. We need to stop limiting God and become a willing part of His Perfect Plans. As Esther, I too often have chosen selfishly to relish my notoriety, my positions in this world, my own interests. I needed a  reminder in the form of this upcoming surgery and all the fears it brought with it that I am not here forever, I am not here for those things rather I am here for a higher purpose. I am going to face the risks, because ultimately it's not my way but His, I want to trust even if its scary. If I survive this latest challenge then I hope to be even bolder in living out my faith and if it's not His will and I leave this earth for Heaven than I hope I leave a Godly Legacy.

OK these are my musings and this is me once again trying to be vulnerable and transparent in hopes of encouraging my friends, family and anyone who might need to be lifted up. We are not alone, we have meaning and purpose and hope in the eternal. Much love and catch ya on the flipside ;)

Aestate Hora - Summer Time

I am definitely not the most consistent blogger which I guess is part of the reason I don't have too many followers but c'est la vie. Since I last communicated here I have had two neurological events, been through rehabilitation in two facilities, physical, occupational and speech therapy. I also recently moved to what I hope will be my final home here on earth and come to the realization that I do not know how to put on my own oxygen mask first. With the help of a new psychologist I am truly going to try to figure it out. My body continues to fall apart at what in my opinion appears to be an accelerated rate. My latest bone scan shows that in less than two years my bones have deteriorated to those of an 80 year old woman rather than one who is approaching her fiftieth birthday. I do have much better control of my diabetes thanks to my persistence and some pretty cool new meds. My liver disease is probably the only condition that proceeds like a slow yet still deadly progression. Sometimes I laugh because in the beginning of learning about my liver disease the doctors were sure it would get the best of me within two to five years and since then I have suffered a number of things which could have just as easily ended my time here on earth. As the years pass by I sometimes can't help but feel like the cruel nature of chronic illness is that the patient feels like all that's happening is that he or she is being monitored to death. To those on the outside this may seem like a form of self pity or even a bit of situational depression and there is some kernel of truth; however until you can walk a mile in their shoes do not be quick to judge. I was reading in one of my health magazines I get from the doctors office and one of the editors Corinna Corejo, a patient advocate shared some great insight on the concept of reaching out to feel better. Life in general is so much easier when we don't try to go it alone but especially when one is dealing with any form of chronic illness. Chronic illness is overwhelming, unpredictable in that what works one day usually doesn't work the next day or new medicines become available, along with their possible side effects (lol) and health goals move or become obsolete and we need to find our new normal yet again. Corinna mentioned that sometimes it feels like the only constant is that nothing stays constant and I literally laughed outload while reading it. All of the above can lead to anxiety, depression and even self pity which make it even more difficult to maintain an appropriate self care routine. So we find ourselves skipping doses of meds, putting off labs and tests which we really need and these are red flags which we and our loved ones and caregivers need to pay attention to.  One of the biggest revelations we all need is that in no way are we supposed to be doing this alone and yet too many of us try to do exactly that, including me.

So this is my way of helping us all out. I want to share some practices which were suggested by Corinna and some which I have personally found useful.

Remember that at their core our health professionals (doctors, nurses, lab techs etc...) want to care for us and they are a good starting point for building our support system. They are a fountain of knowledge. Meet with a dietician, ask your pharmacist questions and confide in your nurses who are often the most approachable and our first line of defense in this ongoing health battle.

Your friends and family can and will be a huge part of your care team especially if you hope to succeed in this ongoing struggle which may be with you until you leave this earth. Maybe simply changing up the family dinner routine allows for rest or exercise but without communication and flexibility on everyone's part, nothing gets changed and we fall further down a dangerous path. It's important to share what they shouldn't do. For example let them no it's not helpful to hear "you can't eat that." We know but they might not in their eagerness to help know that it's honestly the least helpful thing they could say. We need to help our loved ones out by setting healthy boundaries because no one thrives when they feel like they are constantly being watched or hovered over.

And Corinna reminded me that some of the most valuable resources for support often comes from our peers who are also suffering from chronic illness similar to your own. One thing I have found is that their are universal commonalities which almost every chronically ill person deals with...fatigue, loneliness, discomfort, pain, you get the idea. Whether we have diabetes, cancer, MS, Lupus, fibromyalgia, we often suffer the same way and thus can be empathetic in ways no outsider can. We can also offer real world experience over traditional medical knowledge. Kind of like the difference between book smarts and street smarts. Our partners in illness also help us feel less isolated and this is one of the most encouraging byproducts.

Yes we all need to find our own way because we are uniquely and wonderfully made but a good support team will make this chronic illness stuff manageable. This reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures which I am sure I have quoted before but it's so helpful that I feel the need to close out with it today. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Amen my friends...hope to see ya on the flipside ;)

Adfecerunt Animos ~ Mixed Emotions

So today is an extremely weird day. I have bittersweet emotions coursing through my veins and I can’t seem to settle my mind and heart down...sigh 🙃😕 

Today’s verse of the day in YouVision is Proverbs 3:5-6. 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

And I want to grasp on but my heart is still unsettled...ok submit Lori, not your will but His will. Why is this so difficult for me. I can answer that simply from a worldly perspective. Authority figures in this world have for the most part not been worthy of my trust or submission. But in my relationship with Christ that is not the case...so why does my worldly fear even after a decade continue to seep through and sabotage my desire for contentment? I want to lean into the everlasting arms of my Father but instead I stumble forward grasping at worldly success, even going so far as to seek approval, guidance, encouragement from all the wrong sources. This is so frustrating and humbling because I feel as if I should be so much ahead or beyond this type of temptation. At the very least my maturity and life experience should have me moving in leaps and bounds, faithfully moving in sync with my Lord. Once again I am reminded I am not perfect 🤯 I am so grateful for the promises God gives me, so that even when I struggle on days like today, I can rest assured that He loves me unconditionally. I grasp onto scriptures like the one in Matthew 5:11-12 where Jesus promises me that He has a reward for me in Heaven because I have endured hard times here on earth. This renews my strength and gives me hope! 😇💞

Beatus Vitae or #BlessedLife

Recently as I was viewing the ocean on my final day of a 3 nights and four day trip to Sylvia Beach with a bestie (Stacy) I couldn’t help but feel inadequate at expressing all that I was feeling in that moment. So I chose to use 26 letters to give you an inkling of my grand experience...

A- Appropo, as I consider myself a writer
B- Blissfully content
C- Charming Atmosphere inside and out
D- Decadent food and beverage
E- Encouraging to the mind, body and soul
F- Fanciful delights abound
G- Grandeur
H- Heavenly perspective
I- Insightful
J- Joyful
K- Kindred
L- Laughter enjoyed by us all but for Stacy and I at times it was side splitting, belly shaking
M- Merry for December and silliness
N- Napping in giant Adirondack deck chairs
O- Overawed in every aspect but wonderfully so
P- Poignant in a blessed way
Q- Quaint and endearing
R- Radiant and Seahabilitative (a new word in my personal dictionary)
S- Sanguine
T- Theraputic on so many levels
U- Umbrella not required for singing in the rain
V- Vintage on a grand scale
W- Wistful to stay longer
X- Xenagogue’s welcome as there is much to explore
Y- Yearning to return before I’ve even left
Z- Zenithial as you will feel you’ve reached new heights

This trip inspired me to do more writing and reading and continue in my introspections regarding my spiritual life alongside my physical one and I encourage all of you to take a trip like this one soon...very soon. We need a quiet retreat from the chaos of this crazy thing called life. Especially from social media, phones, texts and anything technological. We did enjoy a little music via headphones, but mostly our time was spent talking, reading, writing, eating, sleeping and soaking in our giant claw foot tub in a room dedicated to the works of Mark Twain. Fires, ocean waves pounding continually in the background and divine food and spirits. Absolute perfection in my humble opinion and my wish for all of you, someday soon...

In Honor of Seizing the Moment

So according to this book entitled “10,000 Places To See Before You Die” I can say I have been to at least one thanks to my dear friend Stacy. The Oregon Coastline and more specifically, The Sylvia Beach Hotel in Newport, OR. It’s named after it’s owner and founder of the Shakespear & Co bookstore in Paris during the 1920’s and 30’s. A green shingled, turn of the century building, sitting atop a rocky bluff overlooking the awesome and mighty, Northern Pacific Ocean. It’s quirky and quaint and the 20 guest rooms are uniquely styled after renowned authors like Agatha Christie, Earnest Hemingway, Jane Austen and Dr. Seuss. There are treasures in every nook and cranny, multiple fireplaces, a cozy library on the 3rd floor and the dining room overlooks the beach. I have been told to expect a hearty breakfast each morning and coffee and tea are freely flowing 24 hours a day.

On our first night here, after dropping off the luggage into the classic room of Mark Twain, we immediately went on a grand adventure, touring all the open rooms. The rule is, if the door is open, you are invited to take a peek at all the wonders and mysteries each room has to offer. My camera was the busiest piece of technology for the next hour but come here prepared to unplug, as this establishment is considered a quiet retreat. No televisions, no WiFi and if you want to listen to music it must be done through headphones 🎧. One might think boredom would come easily yet quite the opposite is true. There are comfy couches,, stuffed chairs, picturesque window seats and desks aplenty. All beckoning you to sit, relax, dig into a classic tale or possibly begin writing a fantasy of your very own. All the while the pounding surf can be heard in the backdrop, the rustling of pages being turned and even the purr of Shell the resident cat who slips into and out of every room and hallway as if this is her domain and we humans are just passing through.

For o ur first night, Stacy and I dined at a local Pub aptly named Nana’s. A stout Guinness, Irish potato 🥔 soup, a neat scotch, meatloaf smothered with blackstrap gravy and the sweetest soda bread completed our meal. It was a little slice of Irish Heaven on the Oregon Coast. We retreated back to Sylvia Beach to retire in the library with some Irish upside down ginger snap and banana cream pie and spiced mulled wine 🍷 which is served each night at 9 PM. What a perfect ending to a perfect day. Tomorrow when I rise I will get my first glimpse of this amazing coastline from the comfort of my private balcony-coffee and notebook at the ready. Thanks You God for another amazing experience and of course a huge debt of gratitude 🙏🏻 to my dearest Stacy.

#blessedlife

Eligens Realem or Choosing Real

On this journey to find peace I have come to realize that I do not need to hide my honest wonderings from God. I know for some of you this is a simple concept but for me it is monumental and a whole new perspective for one who is known as the keeper of secrets. I have been reading a book entitled Choosing Real by Bekah Jane Pogue and for me it has caused some profound, thought provoking changes in my reality. In chapter one she begins with an amazing quote from Oswald Chambers which I would like to personalize, so please forgive my stumbling attempt to make a quote applicable to me personally. I am desiring to have a daily attitude which chooses to be willing to “go out” in dependence upon God, and as I do this I find there is an inexpressible charm about almost everything because there is such satisfaction in knowing that Jesus is pleased with this dependence and it allows for a deeper context in my spiritual relationship with my savior. When I “go out” through my convictions, creeds or experiences I come to the turning point in my faith where there is nothing between myself and God.

I can read the words, sing the songs, smile, serve, love others and pour myself into all things church but if I keep attempting this on my own all it will deliver is exhaustion, a sense of being overwhelmed and inevitably to my being burnt out. I have often mistaken Godly responsibility with intimacy. Life has been like one giant party in which I have been in charge of coordinating. All while seeking flawless perfection which we all know is not even remotely possible (LOL). I ignored complications, bowled over obstacles, and even hurt others because they couldn’t possibly know what was best...sigh. How can I be so egotistical and proud. In my need for control because I feared failure, lack of perfection and of course never wanting to let someone get close enough to hurt me I have been hurting others. And if you are one of those folks I am indeed sorry. Even if it wasn’t intentional I am responsible for my action and thus I am also responsible for a complete reversal in my heart and in my actions. So here’s to more transformation and vulnerability and transparency.

Reality has a way of slapping us down and then we begin to doubt our abilities, our faith, our legacy. I have wondered if my life was a sham? However my unconditionally loving Father tells me (when I will slow down long enough to listen) NO! No my daughter, but your unrealistic expectations for perfection aren’t real. My Father loves spontenaity, the unexpected, so why can’t I? I want to celebrate the manifestations of the Spirit but when my hope is not in God, rather my skills, my education, etc...if I continue to place my confidence in the latter things then I will continue to feel burn out, failure and to be discouraged. I am seeking authenticity, a heart ready for Joy and Pain, Dancing and Rest, room for every experience under the sun; not just the ones I have attempted to perfectly orchestrate. My life or at least the rest of it, is going to be a Leap of Faith!

I am relinquishing my feeble attempts, my need for control, my people pleasing goals, and all the masks I have created and worn for almost a half century. I am realizing that although masks have served some good purposes-protection, energy, flexibility and fun; in the end they were actually stifling and smothering me. With the masks I could never truly be free. Only with God’s love can I truly transition healthily into all that God has in mind. His visions are so much grander than mine, more fulfilling and perfect! The masks presuppose a false perfection when my Father wants to be beautifully revealed in the mess-so that His unconditional love, grace and mercy can not only be revealed but Shine in all His Glory!

Authenticity is a synonym for Jesus

I want more than mountain top experiences. I want to love and embrace the simplest of moments, especially when Jesus is there with me in the smallest of steps. My faith has been performance based. I have used God like a seasonal accessory-inviting Him into my life for the BIG Party’s and hoping He would simply provide my just desserts. Never realizing my Father preferred my quiet times; usually a cup of coffee, a simple meal, some laughter and even some tears-every breath in and out.

Why is it we hear little of life not going as planned? I need to know how real life collides with faith. I think if we are honest with ourselves, FEAR is at the center. Fear of not being accepted in our imperfection, fear of failing, fear of not being enough for our loved ones, friends-let alone ourselves. So can I learn to trust my unknown to God more than I trust my ability to control? Trust Him more than any outcome or plan? Can I learn how to have an expectant posture with my Father? Or do I keep trusting in a 12 step program, self-help book-you fill in the blank here...I want and need to throw my hands up and let Jesus work. Let Him weave my passions and pains gracefully with His Master Plans. I want to do life with my Savior!

I shall close with another beautiful quote by Ulrich Henn-German Sculptor
     “All men, believing in God or not, are invited to enter. I wish to make them curious to see what God has to offer them within the cathedral.”

colenda interiorem pacem

So my goals lately have been tied into searching out how I can get better with cultivating my inner peace, being vulnerable and transparent and with wearing my trusty masks less and less so that my friends and family can come to love God's creation rather than the facade I often present out of fear.

A word often translated “peace” in the Bible actually means “to tie together as a whole, when all essential parts are joined together.” Inner peace, then, is a wholeness of mind and spirit, a whole heart at rest. Inner peace has little to do with external surroundings. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” He had also told His followers that “in this world you will have many troubles. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). So peace is not the absence of trouble; it is the presence of God.

"What Happens after Death." GotQuestions.org. https://www.gotquestions.org/what-happens-death.html.

With several upcoming decisions I need to make I have definitely felt God's presence but also overwhelmed with the heaviness of these choices I am faced with. I have always known that God has plans for me but I haven't always been the best when trying to tap into exactly what they are so I am attempting to be still and simply Know God so that I can confidently step forward, backward and sometimes even sideways. I have a possible move coming up, some new medical decisions, several tests (an endoscopy, ultrasound and new panel of blood work) and a whole new course of action that my brand new liver specialists wants me to consider, sooner rather than later. 

I have also been attempting to ready my heart for more interactions with men. I have some pretty amazing men currently in my life but with some of my responses to some of my health teams suggestions I am afraid I will have much ore opportunity to interact with men who are already in my life and many who are not as of yet and this is scary to me. Whether I am afraid or not I am boldly moving forward with my decision to pursue more open and honest relationships with the opposite sex and have even asked someone who specializes in this type of prayer to put me on his personal prayer list so that some new doors can be opened for me. As many of you know simply typing about this and speaking these types of conversations out loud is a massive swing in a new direction for me. Please feel free to ask me questions, let's have a bible study together, grab a cup of coffee; so that we may encourage one another, pray for one another and grow in our relationships together.  

This is all I am currently willing to get into but hoping to do some more boggling here so we can process together this journey we call life. Much love to you all and may the cultivating of our inner peace always be something we strive for even and especially in the face of fear! Carpe Spero 💛💛