Decernere-to decide

If you don't know I have been dealing with a lot more pain than I have been accustomed to and it is really changing how I sleep, how I function or rather don't function and the doctors have given me an option of surgery. With that option come some inherent risks but also extra ones as I am not as healthy as I once was. That being said simply put it's on par with flipping a quarter as to the chances of them breaking bones while they are in there and gambling with whether I will even handle the anesthesia and arise after said surgery. I have spoken with trusted friends and  loved ones and spent much time in prayer. Sigh...do the possible benefits outweigh the risks. Honestly, who knows?

I have so many thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind, heart and body. I have cried while praying and even some while writing this. I feel like I have so much to get out and not enough time. I have been wasting time and there is no excuse except that I am human and somehow think I am invincible. Logically I know I am not and physically my body has spent the last decade mercilessly,  reminding me of its failings and weaknesses.

Why do we think somehow we are different? Why would we be the one who overcomes death? Or better yet, why are we special? And if we are not special, than what is our purpose? Don't panic everyone I am not in the middle of an existential crisis...I haven't quite lost my mind yet LOL!

As a daughter of God, I know my purpose-to bring God Glory! Yes the dark side has been pestering my dreams and thoughts of late but because of Jesus Sacrifice, I will overcome! Although I am realizing that it might not be in this body, on this earth. As a selfish human I am coming to terms with this. In my new awareness though, I realize I may not have been living my fullest life because to do so would mean total trust, Not in man but in God. A friend recently challenged me in a completely non-judgmental way to examine my heart and ask myself if I believe, or better yet...do I trust God to take care of me? I am currently living in a house provided by God. I have two loving sons, the women they love and a grandson. I work encouragingly with my brothers and sisters daily to build up God's Kingdom and although my body is physically failing I am currently upright and breathing. So yes I believe God is capable of taking care of me but protecting me...now that's a whole other question.

Many of you know that I have suffered much abuse in my life-at the hands of those who should have loved and protected me, at the hands of strangers and by my own hands. Confession time...I am human! I have fears, a need to run and avoid conflict at all cost and simple stubbornness. Retrospectively we can truly see a fuller picture especially when faced with no longer living or breathing in this world. Yet it is no easy reflection when faced with our own failures as well as the failures of those we thought loved or cared for us or even simply the darkness of this fallen world. Only our Heavenly Father knows that if we could see it completely like He does, can it be truly appreciated. The good, the bad and the ugly make us a whole person. We are beautiful only when we are honest, vulnerable, humble, willing to see our own culpability, our sin, our choices. It is messy but a creator, a designer sees purpose and meaning.

We live in this broken world and reality is living through the mess. Yet we need functionality, reprieve, hope, especially if it's not simply about survival. Who, what, when and how do we do more than survive? How do we live fully, trust fully and bring Glory to our Creator? I realize there are no easy answers. How could there be when we aren't in charge; we aren't capable of winning or losing at least not in the temporal sense. and most importantly we can't do anything alone. God created us to be relational but too often we seek that need to be filled physically when ultimately its a spiritual need which can only be filled in a  loving relationship with El Shaddai - our Heavenly Father.

In todays society the term martyr has such negative connotations but simply identified it's someone who voluntarily submits to the will of something, someone greater than themselves. And in so doing, they are willing to die if necessary to promote or fulfill that cause. Sacrificial living means nothing is above or more important than the end goal. Even if we perish, Gods sovereignty, His purposes, His love, His plans and His Glory can be revealed and seen; especially if we get out of the way. We need to stop limiting God and become a willing part of His Perfect Plans. As Esther, I too often have chosen selfishly to relish my notoriety, my positions in this world, my own interests. I needed a  reminder in the form of this upcoming surgery and all the fears it brought with it that I am not here forever, I am not here for those things rather I am here for a higher purpose. I am going to face the risks, because ultimately it's not my way but His, I want to trust even if its scary. If I survive this latest challenge then I hope to be even bolder in living out my faith and if it's not His will and I leave this earth for Heaven than I hope I leave a Godly Legacy.

OK these are my musings and this is me once again trying to be vulnerable and transparent in hopes of encouraging my friends, family and anyone who might need to be lifted up. We are not alone, we have meaning and purpose and hope in the eternal. Much love and catch ya on the flipside ;)