Continued Faith Alongside of Frustration

This past few weeks has truly required my faith but many times I have found myself beyond frustrated.  I haven't been able to go to the gym and only been able to get in a few short walks this past week.  I have been suffering through the longest and most irritating kidney infection which saps me of all motivation.  School is getting ready to start up in a couple of weeks and I will need all I have to accomplish grades and parenting once again.  I have an upcoming surgery the first week of school and a doctors appointment finally with a urology specialist this Friday.  With all the budget cuts it is harder and harder to be a chronically ill patient on state medical aid.  I can't believe how many medications and specialists are no longer available, making it difficult to get the care I seem to need.  The good part of this last few weeks is that I have not gained any of my weight back of this initial 30 I have lost.  Amazing!  I have missed out on much socializing but the longer I have been away, more are beginning to realize that they will just have to come to me.  I was blessed with getting to sit in on a new single mom's study this past Monday and I shall pray for Julie's continued growth and hopefully for her baptism soon.  The boys seem to be doing well but I know whether they will admit it or not out loud, this past few weeks has been difficult for them as well.  I know it is hard for them to see me struggle like this but as usual they handle it with such grace and patience which belies their youth. Thank you to all those who have had me in their prayers recently it has been so encouraging to know that you are all wishing me well and very much appreciated.  Till we meet again as I've heard it said in a favorite Irish Blessing of mine, may God continue to hold you in the Palm of His hand and care for you, may His face shine upon you and give you peace...

Ultimate Tripudium - Ultimate Joy!

Isaiah 3:10 says to "tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds."  I am beginning to find joy in the gym.  Not necessarily in the actual going to and from but in the little accomplishments like making it 10 miles today on the bike or reducing the number of strokes it took me to cross the pool from 28 to 26 or burning 400 calories today on the treadmill.  Of course once I got home and partook of some sustenance I promptly fell asleep for almost two hours but it doesn't negate all that I accomplished this morning and in that I can find Joy!  It was also nice to spend some time in the Word this afternoon refreshing my spirit and once again finding a reason to keep moving literally and figuratively.  I have begun to realize finally after 40 years that my joy does not come from things or other people, rather from a personal knowledge and commitment to my Heavenly Father.  In Ecclesiastes where the author is often thought to be Solomon, he writes that everything God does will endure forever and that nothing can be added to or taken from it (ch 3 vs 14) As I am taking care of this temple that God has given to me and remembering to commune with Him daily I am reminded of the lack of permanence in the things of this world and at the same time the consistency and wealth of my Lord's Love which brings me such Joy.  So tonight I will head up to the gym again so that I can continue to kick this body back into shape and attempt to find some joy in the tortuous speed at which Kris will push me to accomplish running up and down steps or rowing or whatever exercise he has planned and then come home, kiss my young men goodnight and rise to do it all again tomorrow.  Thanks to those of you who are joining me on walks and giving me encouragement it is much needed.  I am so very close to making the 30 lb lost mark and hope to cross that threshold soon so please keep in touch and remember our Ultimate Joy is found in the enduring Love of God and all He has created!  

Redemptio-Redemption

Tonight was so amazing.  I am part of the most amazing ecumenical group of women and we are reading this book called "The Will of God as a Way of Life." And tonight's chapter was on redemption.  It was so great to hear these women openly sharing about their pasts, heartbreaks, family issues and the like.  And not in a depressing  victimized sense but a healthy way.  Speaking with forgiveness, humility and courage.  It was soothing to my soul and encouraging to my heart.  I also had my longest workout to date.  3 1/2 hrs.  I see the liver specialist next Thursday and so I think I am pretty focused on getting off as much weight as possible so that I can be ready to go to Seattle if that is in the plans of my Heavenly Father.  We had a nice 4th of July celebration with friends from church and Kevin's 18th birthday celebration lasted almost a whole week.  I have been so happy to have both boys home from camp and even more excited that my youngest Alex has decided to begin studies to become a disciple.  God is so amazing how he works because although all three of us have many reasons to be considered victims, God is using our past to share redemption with each other and all whom we choose to share our stories with.  Although I am terminally sick I am blessed with each moment of this journey and so glad that my mind, and heart have been opened to see the blessings all around me. 

Mental & Spiritual Vulnerability

So I know it's been a little while since I put up a new post but life has been pretty busy.  First I had to do battle with a pretty nasty cold, then I had to get back into my workout routine and then send the boys off to camp.  One as a camper and one a counselor.  It's been a weird week because its been a long time since I had to get out of bed just for myself.  Monday took some serious mental games but my desire not to miss out on my now traditional workout finally won out. I then had dinner with Christie and her parents and then went and spent the rest of the evening with my long time friend Tina chatting long hours into the night.  I have watched 6 movies since the boys have been gone, some good, some not so good,  I have finished reading Acts and now am going to turn my attention to some further inner reflecting.  I have found that I don't know where my value lies and if I have any value outside that of my past.  I know this may sound crazy to some of you but I've always been the girl with the past and how she overcame it and I find myself wanting to be more than that.  I want to be healthy and fresh and new and yet loved and respected all the same.  I know my heavenly Father loves me and cherishes me but now I want to love myself too, which will be a whole new experience for me. I am trying to take some of that advice of Henry David Thoreau's and create some new mental and spiritual paths by not only meditating on God's Word but on everything I can get my hands on that is positive and healthy, whether it pertains to diet, physical fitness, health, faith, my soul...you name it.  If you would like to join me on this particular part of the journey then lets share reading lists, favorite quotes, healthy activities or recipes.  I will share with you and hopefully you will share with me and together we will find value not only in ourselves but in our relationship with God and each other.  I can't wait to hear from you...

Resumo Fides

Renewed Faith and Hope!  Today was my first day back walking after a week of being down and out in the bed sick with a nasty cold.  I was able to accomplish 2 miles in about 30 minutes so kept a pretty good pace but was definitely tired upon reaching the porch.  As I passed by one of my favorite houses in the neighborhood I was reminded of the tired old house's transformation from decrepit to new paint, windows, new sod and a beautiful wrought iron fence.  It positively sparkles with newness and renewed life.  I too need a transformation and am in the midst of renovations.  So far I have lost almost 20 pounds and the first goal is to have 81 off by the end of August.  Then over the next 8 months to lose another 100 lbs.  I know it is ambitious but necessary.  I have the most amazing people on my team cheering me on and can't wait to get back in the pool tomorrow.  My eating truly seems to be finally in balance so that although all I could do last week was to watch what crossed my lips, I was still able to lose a couple of pounds.  One of my friends had a birthday and she gave out wishes to all of us in her bible study group and mine said "In the face of uncertainty and obstacles, I wish you courage."  I gratefully accepted her well wishes and plan to use lots of courage this week to continue to not only get out of bed but to continue having success in my physical transformation so that just like that old house I shall be sparkling with renewed energy and health.  

Excellentia

If as the great philosopher Aristotle says "we are what we repeatedly do" and that excellence is a choice than that is what I have chosen this week.  I did not necessarily do it with great glory but I did choose to exercise every day this past week.  I seem to be struggling with the balance of eating enough so that my body doesn't go into starvation mode and when I need to cut back or really pay attention to portion control.  I only lost a couple of more pounds this last week which after last weeks initial 10 was disappointing to say the least.  This new balancing act is frustrating and my bum left knee is beginning to pain me beyond belief.  Don't worry I will not give up but as I previously stated this has been a rough week.  By Friday I was trying to remind myself that if good is not a substitute for great than I would really need to push myself in these last two workouts of the week.  So I began to give myself some goals on the bike and in the pool. Like try to make five miles instead of four on the bike and swim the length of the pool in thirty strokes or less.  It seemed to help because Friday and Saturday's workouts were much more fulfilling. So I shall continue to strive for excellence with each workout and with each morsel of food which crosses my lips and I hope you will too...  

sedecim dies of mensis

On this sixth day of the month it was most definitely a Monday.  I had the most difficult time getting motivated and all day long I felt like I was in a battle.  It didn't stop me from exercising but they were lackluster workouts. However I guess the good thing out of all this is I didn't stop even during the last excruciating moments of cycling or when I felt my knee begin to give out on the way home.  Today was probably not my finest hour eating wise as I lazily partook of some left over pizza past my 7:30 P.M. deadline.  But at least all my sugars have been good and I am not giving in to temptation with any kind of consistency.  Kris has been amazing sitting and talking with me as I struggle and pushing me in the most positive ways.  I know that it all comes down to me though and my willingness to continue on this healthy journey.  When you next see me ask me if I have started my goal board yet.  This is next on my list and I have been putting it off.  Not exactly sure why except that by putting actual concrete goals up on a board where others can see it makes it truly real and it comes with expectations other than those in my mind.  And don't forget that Tuesday's and Thursday's are relatively open for walks with others so let's schedule a walking date...