Mollitiam-Resilience 

Last week I was blessed to be able to participate in a Resiliency Zoom Conference. It was amazing and just what my mind, body and soul needed. Personally, I think many of us could use this information, especially in these crazy times we are living in. On that note I attempted to gather my thoughts into some semblance of order in hopes of sharing just a bit of what I learned. I know posting on this blog of mine hasn't been at the top of my priority list but with health, my new books now being offered online and our podcast life has been more than full. One of my goals before the end of this year will be to try to mindfully update y'all as to health, family and #myblessedlife. In the meantime please enjoy my notes and thoughts from the conference until we meet again 💛 

 In true transparency, I was so relieved to be able to watch each video at my convenience and not have to get up early each day. However, I couldn't have imagined what a time commitment it was to listen to 6-8 speakers per day. I think I only missed a few but wowsers was that a full course load for me. I made it and feel like it was worth my time. I did feel some of the speakers used a bit too much jargon or medical vernacular for a lay person but overall was impressed with my ability to keep up and comprehend most of it. From everyone's definitions of resilience I summed up that at its core, resiliency requires flexibility, an ability to engage in self care/love, have grace in abundance for yourself and others and choose to live a healthy lifestyle so that your body, mind and spirit are able to bounce back from the inevitable hiccups, obstacles and traumas we will all encounter in this journey we call life. I was pleasantly surprised that several of the speakers were from faithful backgrounds and it has encouraged me to pursue a deeper study into spiritual resilience. 

I learned that there are some pillars to good resilience: healthy, deep sleep, mindfulness, breathing, consistent bowel movements (which is a natural response to the body's need to remove toxins)  as well as healthy food and lifestyle habits like exercise, meditation and gratitude. Oh and almost forgot...pause technology and take social media fasts.

There were so many good books and online materials offered that I will be busy for the next year trying to engage in some of my favs: Brainwash, Whole TV, Heartmap.org, Intermittent Fasting, Rituals Roadmap, Left To Our Own Devices podcast, Stark Transformation podcast,  Seen a Memoir, Happiness4NoReason, and several others. 

There were a couple of quotes and teachings which stood out...

To One who has faith no explanation is necessary, to one without faith, no explanation is possible. Thomas Aquinas 

Guilt says we made a mistake, shame says we are a mistake.

There is a breath for everything. 

Vulnerability is strength 

Practice receiving gratitude, it tells your body it's safe. 

I give myself permission to live, feel, act, breath-so tune into myself!

Is it worth the heartbeats you have left?

It is a sign of strength to ask for help.

Huge difference between finding the time and making the time!

All right folks...signing off for now, please remember you are never far from my thoughts and prayers and I hope 2021 Holidays are filled with love, laughter and amazing fellowship with friends, family and loved ones. 

Lori L 

salvete 

Greetings my friends and loved ones. I know it's been a bit since I have posted. I hope to have some new stuff for y'all soon and I thank you for your grace and patience. As you can imagine, life is busy and full and the year 2020 has been beyond unpredictable, honestly no where close to anything resembling normal. But I continue to stand fast in my faith and take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Catch y'all on the flipside 💛 

Decernere-to decide

If you don't know I have been dealing with a lot more pain than I have been accustomed to and it is really changing how I sleep, how I function or rather don't function and the doctors have given me an option of surgery. With that option come some inherent risks but also extra ones as I am not as healthy as I once was. That being said simply put it's on par with flipping a quarter as to the chances of them breaking bones while they are in there and gambling with whether I will even handle the anesthesia and arise after said surgery. I have spoken with trusted friends and  loved ones and spent much time in prayer. Sigh...do the possible benefits outweigh the risks. Honestly, who knows?

I have so many thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind, heart and body. I have cried while praying and even some while writing this. I feel like I have so much to get out and not enough time. I have been wasting time and there is no excuse except that I am human and somehow think I am invincible. Logically I know I am not and physically my body has spent the last decade mercilessly,  reminding me of its failings and weaknesses.

Why do we think somehow we are different? Why would we be the one who overcomes death? Or better yet, why are we special? And if we are not special, than what is our purpose? Don't panic everyone I am not in the middle of an existential crisis...I haven't quite lost my mind yet LOL!

As a daughter of God, I know my purpose-to bring God Glory! Yes the dark side has been pestering my dreams and thoughts of late but because of Jesus Sacrifice, I will overcome! Although I am realizing that it might not be in this body, on this earth. As a selfish human I am coming to terms with this. In my new awareness though, I realize I may not have been living my fullest life because to do so would mean total trust, Not in man but in God. A friend recently challenged me in a completely non-judgmental way to examine my heart and ask myself if I believe, or better yet...do I trust God to take care of me? I am currently living in a house provided by God. I have two loving sons, the women they love and a grandson. I work encouragingly with my brothers and sisters daily to build up God's Kingdom and although my body is physically failing I am currently upright and breathing. So yes I believe God is capable of taking care of me but protecting me...now that's a whole other question.

Many of you know that I have suffered much abuse in my life-at the hands of those who should have loved and protected me, at the hands of strangers and by my own hands. Confession time...I am human! I have fears, a need to run and avoid conflict at all cost and simple stubbornness. Retrospectively we can truly see a fuller picture especially when faced with no longer living or breathing in this world. Yet it is no easy reflection when faced with our own failures as well as the failures of those we thought loved or cared for us or even simply the darkness of this fallen world. Only our Heavenly Father knows that if we could see it completely like He does, can it be truly appreciated. The good, the bad and the ugly make us a whole person. We are beautiful only when we are honest, vulnerable, humble, willing to see our own culpability, our sin, our choices. It is messy but a creator, a designer sees purpose and meaning.

We live in this broken world and reality is living through the mess. Yet we need functionality, reprieve, hope, especially if it's not simply about survival. Who, what, when and how do we do more than survive? How do we live fully, trust fully and bring Glory to our Creator? I realize there are no easy answers. How could there be when we aren't in charge; we aren't capable of winning or losing at least not in the temporal sense. and most importantly we can't do anything alone. God created us to be relational but too often we seek that need to be filled physically when ultimately its a spiritual need which can only be filled in a  loving relationship with El Shaddai - our Heavenly Father.

In todays society the term martyr has such negative connotations but simply identified it's someone who voluntarily submits to the will of something, someone greater than themselves. And in so doing, they are willing to die if necessary to promote or fulfill that cause. Sacrificial living means nothing is above or more important than the end goal. Even if we perish, Gods sovereignty, His purposes, His love, His plans and His Glory can be revealed and seen; especially if we get out of the way. We need to stop limiting God and become a willing part of His Perfect Plans. As Esther, I too often have chosen selfishly to relish my notoriety, my positions in this world, my own interests. I needed a  reminder in the form of this upcoming surgery and all the fears it brought with it that I am not here forever, I am not here for those things rather I am here for a higher purpose. I am going to face the risks, because ultimately it's not my way but His, I want to trust even if its scary. If I survive this latest challenge then I hope to be even bolder in living out my faith and if it's not His will and I leave this earth for Heaven than I hope I leave a Godly Legacy.

OK these are my musings and this is me once again trying to be vulnerable and transparent in hopes of encouraging my friends, family and anyone who might need to be lifted up. We are not alone, we have meaning and purpose and hope in the eternal. Much love and catch ya on the flipside ;)

Aestate Hora - Summer Time

I am definitely not the most consistent blogger which I guess is part of the reason I don't have too many followers but c'est la vie. Since I last communicated here I have had two neurological events, been through rehabilitation in two facilities, physical, occupational and speech therapy. I also recently moved to what I hope will be my final home here on earth and come to the realization that I do not know how to put on my own oxygen mask first. With the help of a new psychologist I am truly going to try to figure it out. My body continues to fall apart at what in my opinion appears to be an accelerated rate. My latest bone scan shows that in less than two years my bones have deteriorated to those of an 80 year old woman rather than one who is approaching her fiftieth birthday. I do have much better control of my diabetes thanks to my persistence and some pretty cool new meds. My liver disease is probably the only condition that proceeds like a slow yet still deadly progression. Sometimes I laugh because in the beginning of learning about my liver disease the doctors were sure it would get the best of me within two to five years and since then I have suffered a number of things which could have just as easily ended my time here on earth. As the years pass by I sometimes can't help but feel like the cruel nature of chronic illness is that the patient feels like all that's happening is that he or she is being monitored to death. To those on the outside this may seem like a form of self pity or even a bit of situational depression and there is some kernel of truth; however until you can walk a mile in their shoes do not be quick to judge. I was reading in one of my health magazines I get from the doctors office and one of the editors Corinna Corejo, a patient advocate shared some great insight on the concept of reaching out to feel better. Life in general is so much easier when we don't try to go it alone but especially when one is dealing with any form of chronic illness. Chronic illness is overwhelming, unpredictable in that what works one day usually doesn't work the next day or new medicines become available, along with their possible side effects (lol) and health goals move or become obsolete and we need to find our new normal yet again. Corinna mentioned that sometimes it feels like the only constant is that nothing stays constant and I literally laughed outload while reading it. All of the above can lead to anxiety, depression and even self pity which make it even more difficult to maintain an appropriate self care routine. So we find ourselves skipping doses of meds, putting off labs and tests which we really need and these are red flags which we and our loved ones and caregivers need to pay attention to.  One of the biggest revelations we all need is that in no way are we supposed to be doing this alone and yet too many of us try to do exactly that, including me.

So this is my way of helping us all out. I want to share some practices which were suggested by Corinna and some which I have personally found useful.

Remember that at their core our health professionals (doctors, nurses, lab techs etc...) want to care for us and they are a good starting point for building our support system. They are a fountain of knowledge. Meet with a dietician, ask your pharmacist questions and confide in your nurses who are often the most approachable and our first line of defense in this ongoing health battle.

Your friends and family can and will be a huge part of your care team especially if you hope to succeed in this ongoing struggle which may be with you until you leave this earth. Maybe simply changing up the family dinner routine allows for rest or exercise but without communication and flexibility on everyone's part, nothing gets changed and we fall further down a dangerous path. It's important to share what they shouldn't do. For example let them no it's not helpful to hear "you can't eat that." We know but they might not in their eagerness to help know that it's honestly the least helpful thing they could say. We need to help our loved ones out by setting healthy boundaries because no one thrives when they feel like they are constantly being watched or hovered over.

And Corinna reminded me that some of the most valuable resources for support often comes from our peers who are also suffering from chronic illness similar to your own. One thing I have found is that their are universal commonalities which almost every chronically ill person deals with...fatigue, loneliness, discomfort, pain, you get the idea. Whether we have diabetes, cancer, MS, Lupus, fibromyalgia, we often suffer the same way and thus can be empathetic in ways no outsider can. We can also offer real world experience over traditional medical knowledge. Kind of like the difference between book smarts and street smarts. Our partners in illness also help us feel less isolated and this is one of the most encouraging byproducts.

Yes we all need to find our own way because we are uniquely and wonderfully made but a good support team will make this chronic illness stuff manageable. This reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures which I am sure I have quoted before but it's so helpful that I feel the need to close out with it today. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Amen my friends...hope to see ya on the flipside ;)

Adfecerunt Animos ~ Mixed Emotions

So today is an extremely weird day. I have bittersweet emotions coursing through my veins and I can’t seem to settle my mind and heart down...sigh 🙃😕 

Today’s verse of the day in YouVision is Proverbs 3:5-6. 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

And I want to grasp on but my heart is still unsettled...ok submit Lori, not your will but His will. Why is this so difficult for me. I can answer that simply from a worldly perspective. Authority figures in this world have for the most part not been worthy of my trust or submission. But in my relationship with Christ that is not the case...so why does my worldly fear even after a decade continue to seep through and sabotage my desire for contentment? I want to lean into the everlasting arms of my Father but instead I stumble forward grasping at worldly success, even going so far as to seek approval, guidance, encouragement from all the wrong sources. This is so frustrating and humbling because I feel as if I should be so much ahead or beyond this type of temptation. At the very least my maturity and life experience should have me moving in leaps and bounds, faithfully moving in sync with my Lord. Once again I am reminded I am not perfect 🤯 I am so grateful for the promises God gives me, so that even when I struggle on days like today, I can rest assured that He loves me unconditionally. I grasp onto scriptures like the one in Matthew 5:11-12 where Jesus promises me that He has a reward for me in Heaven because I have endured hard times here on earth. This renews my strength and gives me hope! 😇💞

Beatus Vitae or #BlessedLife

Recently as I was viewing the ocean on my final day of a 3 nights and four day trip to Sylvia Beach with a bestie (Stacy) I couldn’t help but feel inadequate at expressing all that I was feeling in that moment. So I chose to use 26 letters to give you an inkling of my grand experience...

A- Appropo, as I consider myself a writer
B- Blissfully content
C- Charming Atmosphere inside and out
D- Decadent food and beverage
E- Encouraging to the mind, body and soul
F- Fanciful delights abound
G- Grandeur
H- Heavenly perspective
I- Insightful
J- Joyful
K- Kindred
L- Laughter enjoyed by us all but for Stacy and I at times it was side splitting, belly shaking
M- Merry for December and silliness
N- Napping in giant Adirondack deck chairs
O- Overawed in every aspect but wonderfully so
P- Poignant in a blessed way
Q- Quaint and endearing
R- Radiant and Seahabilitative (a new word in my personal dictionary)
S- Sanguine
T- Theraputic on so many levels
U- Umbrella not required for singing in the rain
V- Vintage on a grand scale
W- Wistful to stay longer
X- Xenagogue’s welcome as there is much to explore
Y- Yearning to return before I’ve even left
Z- Zenithial as you will feel you’ve reached new heights

This trip inspired me to do more writing and reading and continue in my introspections regarding my spiritual life alongside my physical one and I encourage all of you to take a trip like this one soon...very soon. We need a quiet retreat from the chaos of this crazy thing called life. Especially from social media, phones, texts and anything technological. We did enjoy a little music via headphones, but mostly our time was spent talking, reading, writing, eating, sleeping and soaking in our giant claw foot tub in a room dedicated to the works of Mark Twain. Fires, ocean waves pounding continually in the background and divine food and spirits. Absolute perfection in my humble opinion and my wish for all of you, someday soon...

In Honor of Seizing the Moment

So according to this book entitled “10,000 Places To See Before You Die” I can say I have been to at least one thanks to my dear friend Stacy. The Oregon Coastline and more specifically, The Sylvia Beach Hotel in Newport, OR. It’s named after it’s owner and founder of the Shakespear & Co bookstore in Paris during the 1920’s and 30’s. A green shingled, turn of the century building, sitting atop a rocky bluff overlooking the awesome and mighty, Northern Pacific Ocean. It’s quirky and quaint and the 20 guest rooms are uniquely styled after renowned authors like Agatha Christie, Earnest Hemingway, Jane Austen and Dr. Seuss. There are treasures in every nook and cranny, multiple fireplaces, a cozy library on the 3rd floor and the dining room overlooks the beach. I have been told to expect a hearty breakfast each morning and coffee and tea are freely flowing 24 hours a day.

On our first night here, after dropping off the luggage into the classic room of Mark Twain, we immediately went on a grand adventure, touring all the open rooms. The rule is, if the door is open, you are invited to take a peek at all the wonders and mysteries each room has to offer. My camera was the busiest piece of technology for the next hour but come here prepared to unplug, as this establishment is considered a quiet retreat. No televisions, no WiFi and if you want to listen to music it must be done through headphones 🎧. One might think boredom would come easily yet quite the opposite is true. There are comfy couches,, stuffed chairs, picturesque window seats and desks aplenty. All beckoning you to sit, relax, dig into a classic tale or possibly begin writing a fantasy of your very own. All the while the pounding surf can be heard in the backdrop, the rustling of pages being turned and even the purr of Shell the resident cat who slips into and out of every room and hallway as if this is her domain and we humans are just passing through.

For o ur first night, Stacy and I dined at a local Pub aptly named Nana’s. A stout Guinness, Irish potato 🥔 soup, a neat scotch, meatloaf smothered with blackstrap gravy and the sweetest soda bread completed our meal. It was a little slice of Irish Heaven on the Oregon Coast. We retreated back to Sylvia Beach to retire in the library with some Irish upside down ginger snap and banana cream pie and spiced mulled wine 🍷 which is served each night at 9 PM. What a perfect ending to a perfect day. Tomorrow when I rise I will get my first glimpse of this amazing coastline from the comfort of my private balcony-coffee and notebook at the ready. Thanks You God for another amazing experience and of course a huge debt of gratitude 🙏🏻 to my dearest Stacy.

#blessedlife

Eligens Realem or Choosing Real

On this journey to find peace I have come to realize that I do not need to hide my honest wonderings from God. I know for some of you this is a simple concept but for me it is monumental and a whole new perspective for one who is known as the keeper of secrets. I have been reading a book entitled Choosing Real by Bekah Jane Pogue and for me it has caused some profound, thought provoking changes in my reality. In chapter one she begins with an amazing quote from Oswald Chambers which I would like to personalize, so please forgive my stumbling attempt to make a quote applicable to me personally. I am desiring to have a daily attitude which chooses to be willing to “go out” in dependence upon God, and as I do this I find there is an inexpressible charm about almost everything because there is such satisfaction in knowing that Jesus is pleased with this dependence and it allows for a deeper context in my spiritual relationship with my savior. When I “go out” through my convictions, creeds or experiences I come to the turning point in my faith where there is nothing between myself and God.

I can read the words, sing the songs, smile, serve, love others and pour myself into all things church but if I keep attempting this on my own all it will deliver is exhaustion, a sense of being overwhelmed and inevitably to my being burnt out. I have often mistaken Godly responsibility with intimacy. Life has been like one giant party in which I have been in charge of coordinating. All while seeking flawless perfection which we all know is not even remotely possible (LOL). I ignored complications, bowled over obstacles, and even hurt others because they couldn’t possibly know what was best...sigh. How can I be so egotistical and proud. In my need for control because I feared failure, lack of perfection and of course never wanting to let someone get close enough to hurt me I have been hurting others. And if you are one of those folks I am indeed sorry. Even if it wasn’t intentional I am responsible for my action and thus I am also responsible for a complete reversal in my heart and in my actions. So here’s to more transformation and vulnerability and transparency.

Reality has a way of slapping us down and then we begin to doubt our abilities, our faith, our legacy. I have wondered if my life was a sham? However my unconditionally loving Father tells me (when I will slow down long enough to listen) NO! No my daughter, but your unrealistic expectations for perfection aren’t real. My Father loves spontenaity, the unexpected, so why can’t I? I want to celebrate the manifestations of the Spirit but when my hope is not in God, rather my skills, my education, etc...if I continue to place my confidence in the latter things then I will continue to feel burn out, failure and to be discouraged. I am seeking authenticity, a heart ready for Joy and Pain, Dancing and Rest, room for every experience under the sun; not just the ones I have attempted to perfectly orchestrate. My life or at least the rest of it, is going to be a Leap of Faith!

I am relinquishing my feeble attempts, my need for control, my people pleasing goals, and all the masks I have created and worn for almost a half century. I am realizing that although masks have served some good purposes-protection, energy, flexibility and fun; in the end they were actually stifling and smothering me. With the masks I could never truly be free. Only with God’s love can I truly transition healthily into all that God has in mind. His visions are so much grander than mine, more fulfilling and perfect! The masks presuppose a false perfection when my Father wants to be beautifully revealed in the mess-so that His unconditional love, grace and mercy can not only be revealed but Shine in all His Glory!

Authenticity is a synonym for Jesus

I want more than mountain top experiences. I want to love and embrace the simplest of moments, especially when Jesus is there with me in the smallest of steps. My faith has been performance based. I have used God like a seasonal accessory-inviting Him into my life for the BIG Party’s and hoping He would simply provide my just desserts. Never realizing my Father preferred my quiet times; usually a cup of coffee, a simple meal, some laughter and even some tears-every breath in and out.

Why is it we hear little of life not going as planned? I need to know how real life collides with faith. I think if we are honest with ourselves, FEAR is at the center. Fear of not being accepted in our imperfection, fear of failing, fear of not being enough for our loved ones, friends-let alone ourselves. So can I learn to trust my unknown to God more than I trust my ability to control? Trust Him more than any outcome or plan? Can I learn how to have an expectant posture with my Father? Or do I keep trusting in a 12 step program, self-help book-you fill in the blank here...I want and need to throw my hands up and let Jesus work. Let Him weave my passions and pains gracefully with His Master Plans. I want to do life with my Savior!

I shall close with another beautiful quote by Ulrich Henn-German Sculptor
     “All men, believing in God or not, are invited to enter. I wish to make them curious to see what God has to offer them within the cathedral.”

colenda interiorem pacem

So my goals lately have been tied into searching out how I can get better with cultivating my inner peace, being vulnerable and transparent and with wearing my trusty masks less and less so that my friends and family can come to love God's creation rather than the facade I often present out of fear.

A word often translated “peace” in the Bible actually means “to tie together as a whole, when all essential parts are joined together.” Inner peace, then, is a wholeness of mind and spirit, a whole heart at rest. Inner peace has little to do with external surroundings. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” He had also told His followers that “in this world you will have many troubles. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). So peace is not the absence of trouble; it is the presence of God.

"What Happens after Death." GotQuestions.org. https://www.gotquestions.org/what-happens-death.html.

With several upcoming decisions I need to make I have definitely felt God's presence but also overwhelmed with the heaviness of these choices I am faced with. I have always known that God has plans for me but I haven't always been the best when trying to tap into exactly what they are so I am attempting to be still and simply Know God so that I can confidently step forward, backward and sometimes even sideways. I have a possible move coming up, some new medical decisions, several tests (an endoscopy, ultrasound and new panel of blood work) and a whole new course of action that my brand new liver specialists wants me to consider, sooner rather than later. 

I have also been attempting to ready my heart for more interactions with men. I have some pretty amazing men currently in my life but with some of my responses to some of my health teams suggestions I am afraid I will have much ore opportunity to interact with men who are already in my life and many who are not as of yet and this is scary to me. Whether I am afraid or not I am boldly moving forward with my decision to pursue more open and honest relationships with the opposite sex and have even asked someone who specializes in this type of prayer to put me on his personal prayer list so that some new doors can be opened for me. As many of you know simply typing about this and speaking these types of conversations out loud is a massive swing in a new direction for me. Please feel free to ask me questions, let's have a bible study together, grab a cup of coffee; so that we may encourage one another, pray for one another and grow in our relationships together.  

This is all I am currently willing to get into but hoping to do some more boggling here so we can process together this journey we call life. Much love to you all and may the cultivating of our inner peace always be something we strive for even and especially in the face of fear! Carpe Spero 💛💛

nutriatur-be nourished

Wow I cannot believe it has been so long since I have blogged. Some of that is because it is my nature to run from uncomfortableness and as usual I have been exceptionally busy. Tomorrow  my youngest son Alex is taking a huge leap of faith and moving over to the west side to be with me and I am so excited. We haven't lived together since right after his graduation from Job Corps and that wasn't our finest hour for sure but God is Good and now we will have a second chance to rewrite that part of our story. My oldest son Kevin was married on Dec 30th to the most lovely young woman a mother in law could ask for. She is grounded in her faith, loves my son and grandson and will definitely keep my oldest son on his toes. I've helped with a couple other weddings, worked on committee's and am Co-Facilitating a new Chronic Illness group with a fabulous friend and sister Brandie; Embracing Our Thorns. Hopefully by now you recognize my inability to settle down but many of you may not know that this restlessness is because I do not know inner peace, I cannot find rest and my over commitment is a way I continue to loathe my body, fail at confidence and continue to wrestle for control away from my Creator as if that were even possible (LOL!)

The Mask of Confidence has become my constant go to when ever I am afraid, whenever I feel like I am losing control or simply don't want to move in the direction God is gently leading me. Instead lately the only way for God to get my attention is for my body to literally shut down. This past Wednesday would be a good example. I am currently battling a two different infections, my bone scan revealed that from my neck down my bones are slowly deteriorating, my blood sugars are once again off the charts and out of control and the concussion migraines cause me to fall, be out of balance etc...and I have two kidney stones which are not large enough to cause a blockage but are currently floating around and causing pain and damage. What a mess but some of this could have been avoided if I had simply listened to my body, not allowed my fear of men to keep me from going to the ER sooner and if I had humbled myself and allowed others to help me. Sometimes I think God must throw up His hands in complete frustration and then simply start to laugh when I finally come to Him because He's been there the whole time patiently waiting for me to turn to Him.

Yes, I have liver disease and much of  my health issues are part of an auto immune disorder but I do not help my body because I hate it, I don't trust it to love me in return and I definitely don't trust others to love and respect it. Some of you have heard me say that my weight is my false security blanket. What a joke. My weight isn't preventing anything but it sure is debilitating me mentally, physically and spiritually. Why does it take so long for some of us to learn our lessons? I want to be free, I want to live life without fear, I want to trust and love myself and others but in my  mind and heart these are monumental tasks like moving a mountain or stopping the rise and fall of the ocean.

Yes, I have been abused since an early age but FEAR is going to keep me imprisoned if I can't learn to faithfully trust that I am unconditionally loved by a mighty Savior. Perfectionism is a sin, self loathing is a sin, false confidence is a sin and not being able to truly love is a tragedy because it is the most basic principle of grace and if I can't accept it then I will never fully know and enjoy the best gift ever given. So this is me being transparent, vulnerable and at the beginning of the path of true nurturing. Much love to you all and may my willingness to be open only serve to help and benefit those I love and others who have suffered needlessly.

luctantem-struggling

Wow! today the struggle is real. I will admit to not setting myself up for success but either way my time at the YMCA did not go well. I was sitting by the side of the pool, so excited to get in and swim some laps, do some water jogging and truly get a good workout in. Sliding into my swim cap, pulling on my water jogging shoes, placing my new fins and paddle board by the poolside and then I sat down on with my legs dangling in the water. At no point did I look up and now with no glasses on I begin squinting and searching for some stairs and there were none. Panic is setting in as I realize that I can't get into the water as there is no way for me to get out. I know many of you don't understand as overweight as I am it is quite a struggle to pull up my own body weight and even more so when I am wet and heavy. The only way to get out of this pool was to pull yourself up on the side or climb these little metal steps hanging on the side of the pool. So tears begin to form in my eyes as I realize there is no way for me to get into the water today. A sweet lifeguard now approaches me to ask if I am OK? No I am now mortified. I mumbled something to him about needing some stairs and he says there aren't any but if I want there is a lift for the handicapped. Thank you but no. So I manage to get back up from the pool side with tears still streaming down my face. This very nice woman asks me if I want to join this water class full of senior citizens and other overweight folks and I say no! Because I am so full of pride and completely devastated that I can't do what I am longing to do. I walked a few laps at the end of exercise pool but it simply wasn't the same. I then realized I forgot a towel...UGH! I trudge back to the locker room soaking wet with all my unused swim equipment and proceed to rip off my suit and try to get into my dry clothes...this was an awful experience. I did, thanks to my friend Myriam get in a mile on the elliptical but it simply could not lift me back up to a good mood. I have since drank a protein shake and now trying to figure out exactly what I am going to do since swimming at the YMCA is not possible. I know I will figure something out but right at this moment I am simply discouraged.

Cupiditas Praemium Suum Est to Run-Desire to Run

So yesterday was a bit traumatic for me and it was out of the blue and completely unexpected but as you may know this is often how traumatic episodes blindside us. I had recently sought out a counselor to help me process some of the things related to my long term chronic liver disease and my upcoming new empty nest. I felt that I spoke plainly with the intake professional but apparently we were not on the same page. She asked me if I was willing to join a recovery wellness group and I thought I wasn't sure if this is what I needed but sure I was willing to try so I agreed to show up. I get to the meeting room a few minutes early and find a seat at the back so I can observe everyone better. I pull out my notebook, pen and switch my cell phone to silent. As I look up two men are walking into the room and my throat catches. Wait, is this a mixed group session or are these men simply lost. Please be lost. No such luck they confidently come in and find a seat, one of which is to my immediate right. My breathing is becoming shallow and I can feel my pulse racing. Just breath Lori, put your big girl panties on and grow up, you can handle this. God is surely with you. Well, the Spirit is always by my side but now so is this strange man. Just Breath girl, get a hold of yourself. The group facilitator is introducing herself and asking us to go around the room and give our first name, how we are feeling and some ridiculous question regarding movie titles for our life or some other nonsense. Is everyone looking at me, can they see my heart about to leap out of my chest, am I sweating or is that a tear escaping my left eye? What was the question I was supposed to be answering? Oh yeah how am I feeling so I look at the page in front of me with silly little faces and descriptive feeling words listed underneath and I try to focus on how I am feeling. Scared, vulnerable,  anxious all came to mind and I quickly search for some more positive adjectives and grabbed onto cautiously, optimistic and added that to my verbal reply with vulnerable. I don't even remember hearing my voice but apparently I must have spoke up at some point. Then there was a knock at the door and my worst fears come to fruition, there is another man striding through the door and there is no other seat available but the one to my left. This can't be happening. I am about to be sandwiched between two strange men and I am supposed to be sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings with this group of complete strangers. This is like a nightmare and all I can hope for is to be woken up before I completely break down into a puddle of tears or run out the door. What could this counselor have been thinking by placing me in this group? Throughout the rest of the meeting all I could do is convulsively swallow down the bile which wouldn't cease rising in my throat. Many of you will find this hard to believe but I was speechless. I contributed nothing to the ongoing conversation. All I could think about was how slowly the hands of the clock seemed to be moving backwards. My ears perked up when the facilitator said our time was closing out but if anyone wanted to speak privately she would be available for a few minutes afterwards. As my fellow group members were filing out of the room I courageously stood up and headed over to chat with the facilitator. I had to wait a few minutes while she conversed with another member of the group but finally I stood face to face with her. I stumbled over my words at first, but somehow managed to get out my confusion regarding the fact that I hadn't realized this was a mixed group. She blankly stared at me for a moment and then inanely mumbled something about sorry she hadn't mentioned that. Oops! Seriously? So then I pushed forward and asked her if I had remembered to speak up about my past experience with abuse and domestic violence. Again with the blank stare and then a small glimmering light appeared. She nervously laughed and said "Oh you did seem to be sandwiched between two men. Well maybe next time we can make sure you sit between myself and the other facilitator."  NEXT TIME! Are you kidding me? There will not be a next time. You put me in harms way and you don't even grasp the gravity of what I just experienced. I of course didn't even have the courage to speak up at that point. I smiled politely, left the room shaking and went home to drink a glass of wine and cry.

So now that I have had some time to process this experience, I am calmer but still stunned. I think several of us have had similar experiences and need to help each other by first talking about it. Bringing it into the light and rehashing it so we can glean some coping mechanisms and healing thoughts. For me personally I needed to identify why this particular situation triggered me. Except for brothers at church, doctors and or nurses I don't exactly run into strange men and even if I do at a store or outing, it's not in an intimate setting. Therefore in no way was I prepared to be mentally and emotionally vulnerable in a counseling setting with men and I will need to make that clear with any future counselor. I will also need to respond to this latest counselor with healthy feedback so that she can set up her future clients for success. And then I need to continue to reach out to those in my inner circle and pray and talk out these experiences so that they don't unhealthily bottle up and cause more damage to my psyche. Having said that...this is why I chose to blog this out today and I thank you all for listening and sharing your unconditional love with me. Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep engaging in dialogue together here and everywhere we can.

Unum diem ad tempos-One Day at a Time

So I have been having some pretty awesome quiet times lately and I wanted to share one of them I found extremely impactful…I hope it helps you and gives you encouragement and hope…Bless you my friends and loved ones  

Yes in Exodus we have a song for Moses but there is also a song for Miriam and I found myself asking why? Why is she identified in the Word as a prophetess? Although she was the eldest sister of Aaron and Moses; why did the women seem to follow her lead? 

What a loving older sibling she was to Moses, waiting in the reeds by the river to make sure he survived. Arranging for a nurse maid (their own mother) to help the Pharaoh’s daughter raise Moses. Upon the death of the Pharaoh and his men, Miriam led the Israelite women in a victory song and dance and it is pro-ported that a well of fresh water followed the Israelites throughout their time in the desert until Miriam’s death. 

Miriam also had her faults. She led her brother Aaron to speak against Moses in a discrepancy regarding a Cushing woman Moses had married (Numbers 12:1) and even questioning together their brothers monopoly over divine communication (Numbers 12:2). For this Miriam was punished with tzaaras (leprosy…Numbers12:10). But Aaron and Moses plead for her and she is healed. However just like her brothers she too dies in the desert before reaching the promised land (Numbers 20:1). 

Miriam not only lived to see her childhood prophecy fulfilled but together with her brother she was one of 3 devoted shepherds of her people throughout their 40 years in the desert…she is a pretty amazing woman to study. 

According to Jewish history Miriam was part of the faith filled contingency of Jewish women slaves who led by example to never lose faith that God’s promises of freedom would one day come to fruition. although she felt pain acutely, she would not succumb to fear or despair. She was exposed to abject cruelty yet she would not yield to moral corruption or apathy. Bravely and resolutely she kept vigilant watch over her faith with eternal hope in the promise of redemption. This gives my soul such encouragement :) 

When I think of Miriam I am reminded of my own childhood. Not the slavery but the concept of having little to no control of the depraved individuals who were master over me. Feeling pain, while at the same time rebelling over its overpowering hold to discover a seed of faith; with a yearning deep within my heart. 

Many years later Miriam and these Israelite women left their homes in such a hurry that the bread for the day hadn’t finished rising yet they remembered to bring timbrels (tambourines) with them…why? What were these women thinking? These women who have seen affliction beyond the human breaking point. What is on the hearts of these women who bore too much anguish to fathom? What do their worn tired, beaten bodies carry out of Egypt? Tambourines! Instruments with which to sing and praise God for the miracles they knew would come to be…

Engulfed in misery the women and Miriam never lost vision. Just like Miriam they found more - their own spirit of rebellion against depression; a natural outgrowth of their shared circumstances. Against apathy and hopelessness which are also easily accepted outgrowths but instead found the strength to fortify themselves and never lose hope. Amidst agony these women prepared tambourines. Fanning the spark of yearning within their souls until it grew into an inextinguishable flame of faith. As bitter as their lives became-their faith grew stronger! A feminine strength born out of bitterness. A faith sewn amidst despair. This is not only the strength of Miriam and the Israelite women who left Egypt but each and every one of us. We too can be equipped with tambourines and dance with Joy because of our Faith! 

I love you dear friends and family and am looking forward to dancing with you in the rain…
weathering storms together and celebrating all that this life has to offer despite pain, slavery, apathy, depravity and a simple lack of love. 
Let’s help each other to make our own tambourines so that we too can sing and dance in Joy before the Lord! 
Love Always & Forever, Your Sister in Christ Lori L 

Sometimes the Way the Cookie Crumbles is SOOOOO not fun

It has been a difficult week to say the least, at least emotionally. I feel like I am on a roller coaster, (which btw, I normally love) one minute I am soaring in the clouds and the next I am in the depths of sadness. This truly is not fun and I am struggling to get off...sigh. Let's start by counting my blessings: Celebrating an early birthday with a lovely friend at the theater, my oldest son loving me how he knows I appreciate it (quality time and words of affirmation) an inspirational time with the lovely ladies in my bi-monthly devotional group, a lovely time with a sister close to my heart where we vented and then prayed together for almost an hour...best friends checking in on me, having lunch with me, texting and chatting. So I can read your minds already, what do I have to complain about, right? Well for everyone of those positives there was an equal or greater opposite, negative occurrence! Hard to believe because this is not normally my life but this week has truly been a dichotomy in let downs. Yet I am reminded that I am still breathing, I don't live in a third world country, my current city of residence is not plagued with riots. I live in a country where despite some negative connotations associated with religion, I am free to pray and conduct myself in a faithful way without fear of reprisal, my current country is not engaged in civil war and my health although far from quality is still helping me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So I guess I will continue to pray, forgive, encourage and be happy that my God's mercies are new every morning. I guess sometimes it is simply the way the cookie crumbles and I can choose to be saddened or pour myself a lovely glass of milk and enjoy every morsel of that cookie in whatever shape it comes...thx for listening and God Bless...if we haven't chatted lately, let's plan to do so soon :)

Carpe Spero - Reloaded

OK so here I am still writing, still living and now I am going to reload my hearts desire and keep trying to Carpe Spero (seize the hope)! I love that God let's us have the "do over" every day...

Stay focused on the prize. This busy world can cause many people confusion, and it will cause many to lose focus, start on some things, and only finish a select few things by the time the opportunities they have are pretty much deflated and irrelevant. One of the hugest lessons we should all commit to learning in life is to always keep the main thing, and our main dreams as our main focus until we are finished with them!

Let go of the distractions you have in life. Distractions can come in the form of people, hobbies, objects, and also in many other varieties. We must know for ourselves what is most important, and what will take away from our lives, instead of adding to it. These things are things that we must proactively try to rid ourselves of at all times possible. Your mission isn't to keep everyone around you satisfied, your mission is to stay focused and work harder everyday to reach your dreams.

the above was from searchquotes.com and below is my caveat

My first and foremost focus is GOD O:), but after that it has always been my sons or my family or friends or work and now I am searching for what should be first after God and I am realizing that if my health isn't a top priority then I may not be around to have or pursue any of the other priorities in my so called life...and by health I don't just mean my physical body (although that is important especially in regards to getting on the transplant list) but my mental and emotional health as well. If these things are not in harmony/balance then we cannot pursue anything else...whether it be a worthy goal or not ;)  So as for me and my house we will most definitely Serve the LORD, take care of my temple (my heart, soul, mind and body) and then for now it's all still up in the air and we shall just have to wait and see...

PERICULOSUS- To Be Vulnerable

My good friend Tina suggested I do some journaling...so this is me taking that advice to heart. I am about to be extremely vulnerable and I ask that you will please take care with what I am about to reveal and please know that these words are shared so that if you too have been hurt or struggle with emotional eating, abuse, loneliness, fear and I am sure the list could go on for some time as so much is based in fear. Many of you know that I have recently been challenged to lose 100#'s and I not only took this challenge seriously I have embarked on this journey with about 40 other folks. I can't help myself sometimes...I believe that if I am struggling with something there must be someone out there who is as well...it's my way of battling the enemy, Satan, who is constantly trying to get me believe I am all alone. This 100# Challenge was nothing short of one of the hugest leaps of faith for me but here I am in the 2nd week, down -8.8#'s and feeling hopeful and yet terrified all in the same breath. As an extrovert folks seems to have the impression that I simply love people, get along with everyone I meet and life is one BIG, Happy Party. The BIG secret is I am shaking in my boots and the bold confidence which you think you see is a mask, a shield if you will, to protect me. From what you ask? Possibly you or anyone else who will most likely hurt me. There I have said it...I live in FEAR! Some of it is unfortunately based on hard, cruel  facts but most, if I'm honest has unrealistically built up over many years. My weight has become the security blanket that is now literally and figuratively killing me.

Physically I suffer from diabetes and am currently insulin dependent. I have two underlying causes for my Chronic Liver disease, primary biliary cirrhosis and Non-Alcoholic Stetohepatitis. Diabetic Gastopareses-slow intestinal tract alongside of Hepatic Encephalopathy which effects my memory, causes fatigue and emulates early onset  dementia and if not kept stable can send me suddenly, with little to no warning into a coma.

Figuratively, I am afraid of others, especially men. I am unsure of who I can trust and therefor often feel lonely or heartbroken. At times I am ready to leave this earthly realm but I ask you not to panic at my honest words. I have no intention of harming myself, I am simply tired and in need of a little rest, tender love and care and as I stated previously doing my best to be vulnerable. Having said all that; I know as a disciple of Christ that these needs can and will be met through the help of the Holy Spirit and the unconditional love my Savior if I would only let Him take care of me :)

Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep Seizing Hope together - Carpe Spero

Periculosus - To Be Vulnerable

My good friend Tina suggested I do some journaling...so this is me taking that advice to heart. I am about to be extremely vulnerable and I ask that you will please take care with what I am about to reveal and please know that these words are shared so that if you too have been hurt or struggle with emotional eating, abuse, loneliness, fear and I am sure the list could go on for some time as so much is based in fear. Many of you know that I have recently been challenged to lose 100#'s and I not only took this challenge seriously I have embarked on this journey with about 40 other folks. I can't help myself sometimes...I believe that if I am struggling with something there must be someone out there who is as well...it's my way of battling the enemy, Satan, who is constantly trying to get me believe I am all alone. This 100# Challenge was nothing short of one of the hugest leaps of faith for me but here I am in the 2nd week, down -8.8#'s and feeling hopeful and yet terrified all in the same breath. As an extrovert folks seems to have the impression that I simply love people, get along with everyone I meet and life is one BIG, Happy Party. The BIG secret is I am shaking in my boots and the bold confidence which you think you see is a mask, a shield if you will, to protect me. From what you ask? Possibly you or anyone else who will most likely hurt me. There I have said it...I live in FEAR! Some of it is unfortunately based on hard, cruel  facts but most, if I'm honest has unrealistically built up over many years. My weight has become the security blanket that is now literally and figuratively killing me.

Physically I suffer from diabetes and am currently insulin dependent. I have two underlying causes for my Chronic Liver disease, primary biliary cirrhosis and Non-Alcoholic Stetohepatitis. Diabetic Gastopareses-slow intestinal tract alongside of Hepatic Encephalopathy which effects my memory, causes fatigue and emulates early onset  dementia and if not kept stable can send me suddenly, with little to no warning into a coma.

Figuratively, I am afraid of others, especially men. I am unsure of who I can trust and therefor often feel lonely or heartbroken. At times I am ready to leave this earthly realm but I ask you not to panic at my honest words. I have no intention of harming myself, I am simply tired and in need of a little rest, tender love and care and as I stated previously doing my best to be vulnerable. Having said all that; I know as a disciple of Christ that these needs can and will be met through the help of the Holy Spirit and the unconditional love my Savior if I would only let Him take care of me :)

Have a blessed rest of your weekend and let's keep Seizing Hope together - Carpe Spero

gaudia currentem-joys of running

So I apologize to my few followers that I haven't written since the Summer. Life has been so very busy (as usual...lol!) My caregivers are amazing and so are Kevin and several of my sisters in the church...they all make me feel so loved and taken care of. But now to the important part of tonights blog...

     So some of you may know that when I was much younger I used to be pretty athletic (surfing, volleyball, tennis, hiking and track and field, to name a few). Due to several injuries, some cancer and  life obstacles I gained weight and lost all ability to do much of what I love. I honestly never thought I would get to participate in sporting events again, especially after my escapade with volleyball this Summer. Concussions are so not fun :(
   
     Today I defyed all my fears of falling, moved despite fatigue and cried happy tears as I was once again able to run. In all fairness it was not on land rather in the water with special deep water running shoes. It was so amazing, exilerating and freeing. If you have never had something that you were passionate about taken away from you, I am not sure you can comprehend the levels of joy I felt today but if you, like me, have had to put passions aside due to unforeseen circumstances then you should be able to identify at some level.

Habakkuk 3:17-19New International Version (NIV)

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

I, who was unable to produce physically, have been given a second chance and I am rejoicing in the Lord who is most definitely my strength and my feeble legs were able to run and jump ;) It was Awesome! Tonight my muscles are a little sore but I am happily fatigued from this afternoons experience. Please feel free to respond with some inspiring stories of your own and if any of you want to come for a swim or run with me in the pool, let's schedule some time...swimming, swimming, just keep swimming and now I can add water running to that song in my heart...God is So Good! 

Places of Hope or Loca Spe

The holes in our lives can become places of hope~Lana Bateman

God is trying to get me to work out my bitterness-to allow grace to propel me; to ease my pain by confronting my grief and disappointment. God wants to deflate my sense of self righteousness; remind me He is God not I. Only then can I know serenity. I need to quit that which is damaging to my soul and instead choose truth, responsibility, reality, so that I can enjoy freedom.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NKJV)  He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

With regards to my health please be patient with me as my body is less and less in my control. I have less patience, less ability to stop by body and mind from doing whatever they choose and not necessarily what I would want to do. I tire easily, I get what I call "fuzzy brained" and my blood sugars continue to go up and down at random. My desire is always for fellowship and God's Glory but more often then not it is from the comfort of my home and less at the church building or meeting in larger groups. I love to have others visit or dialogue with me on Face Book, Twitter or email; come for coffee or a meal and Kevin and I love movie nights so call and we will make some time within the week to fellowship with you and yours :) 

Thanks and May God's Blessings follow you all throughout your days ahead...Lori L 

quod consolamini invicem (or in English) encourage one another

So you may or may not have noticed (especially for those I only know on Face Book or some other social media site but I have been struggling...this latest stage of the chronic liver disease is beating me up pretty good...I am lost as to when to hold onto my emotions, when to speak, I have come across much harsher to those I am close to and I do not like it at all...so please forgive me and know that I am working on it.

I came across this meme on search quotes.com and it reminded me that my smile is not only for myself but for all those around me as well..."Sometimes the hardest thing to do is smile. We all have rough days, and we all go through experiences in life that we honestly wish we didn't have to. But it is only when we are able to take a second, and smile about the blessings we have in life that we realize how important it is to just smile. 

We have all heard many times how fortunate we are as people compared to others. Think about it. Right now you have access to the Internet that millions of unfortunate souls don't have. Think of how much of a blessing that being able to acquire information from such a rich resource is, and how much just this one thing helps to impact your life. 

Never get so caught up in life's stresses that you forget about what is really important. Smile, laugh, love, cry, be you, give to others, and promote peace!" 

I leave you with one of my fav scriptures- 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

This scripture assumes we are already in the daily act of encouraging one another so let's recommit to doing this daily for one another rather than giving in to the stresses, obstacles, griefs and loss which we will also encounter in our daily journey. Let's live up to a higher moral calling and in so doing enrich all life.

Love in Christ
Always & Forever
Lori L