Decernere-to decide

If you don't know I have been dealing with a lot more pain than I have been accustomed to and it is really changing how I sleep, how I function or rather don't function and the doctors have given me an option of surgery. With that option come some inherent risks but also extra ones as I am not as healthy as I once was. That being said simply put it's on par with flipping a quarter as to the chances of them breaking bones while they are in there and gambling with whether I will even handle the anesthesia and arise after said surgery. I have spoken with trusted friends and  loved ones and spent much time in prayer. Sigh...do the possible benefits outweigh the risks. Honestly, who knows?

I have so many thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind, heart and body. I have cried while praying and even some while writing this. I feel like I have so much to get out and not enough time. I have been wasting time and there is no excuse except that I am human and somehow think I am invincible. Logically I know I am not and physically my body has spent the last decade mercilessly,  reminding me of its failings and weaknesses.

Why do we think somehow we are different? Why would we be the one who overcomes death? Or better yet, why are we special? And if we are not special, than what is our purpose? Don't panic everyone I am not in the middle of an existential crisis...I haven't quite lost my mind yet LOL!

As a daughter of God, I know my purpose-to bring God Glory! Yes the dark side has been pestering my dreams and thoughts of late but because of Jesus Sacrifice, I will overcome! Although I am realizing that it might not be in this body, on this earth. As a selfish human I am coming to terms with this. In my new awareness though, I realize I may not have been living my fullest life because to do so would mean total trust, Not in man but in God. A friend recently challenged me in a completely non-judgmental way to examine my heart and ask myself if I believe, or better yet...do I trust God to take care of me? I am currently living in a house provided by God. I have two loving sons, the women they love and a grandson. I work encouragingly with my brothers and sisters daily to build up God's Kingdom and although my body is physically failing I am currently upright and breathing. So yes I believe God is capable of taking care of me but protecting me...now that's a whole other question.

Many of you know that I have suffered much abuse in my life-at the hands of those who should have loved and protected me, at the hands of strangers and by my own hands. Confession time...I am human! I have fears, a need to run and avoid conflict at all cost and simple stubbornness. Retrospectively we can truly see a fuller picture especially when faced with no longer living or breathing in this world. Yet it is no easy reflection when faced with our own failures as well as the failures of those we thought loved or cared for us or even simply the darkness of this fallen world. Only our Heavenly Father knows that if we could see it completely like He does, can it be truly appreciated. The good, the bad and the ugly make us a whole person. We are beautiful only when we are honest, vulnerable, humble, willing to see our own culpability, our sin, our choices. It is messy but a creator, a designer sees purpose and meaning.

We live in this broken world and reality is living through the mess. Yet we need functionality, reprieve, hope, especially if it's not simply about survival. Who, what, when and how do we do more than survive? How do we live fully, trust fully and bring Glory to our Creator? I realize there are no easy answers. How could there be when we aren't in charge; we aren't capable of winning or losing at least not in the temporal sense. and most importantly we can't do anything alone. God created us to be relational but too often we seek that need to be filled physically when ultimately its a spiritual need which can only be filled in a  loving relationship with El Shaddai - our Heavenly Father.

In todays society the term martyr has such negative connotations but simply identified it's someone who voluntarily submits to the will of something, someone greater than themselves. And in so doing, they are willing to die if necessary to promote or fulfill that cause. Sacrificial living means nothing is above or more important than the end goal. Even if we perish, Gods sovereignty, His purposes, His love, His plans and His Glory can be revealed and seen; especially if we get out of the way. We need to stop limiting God and become a willing part of His Perfect Plans. As Esther, I too often have chosen selfishly to relish my notoriety, my positions in this world, my own interests. I needed a  reminder in the form of this upcoming surgery and all the fears it brought with it that I am not here forever, I am not here for those things rather I am here for a higher purpose. I am going to face the risks, because ultimately it's not my way but His, I want to trust even if its scary. If I survive this latest challenge then I hope to be even bolder in living out my faith and if it's not His will and I leave this earth for Heaven than I hope I leave a Godly Legacy.

OK these are my musings and this is me once again trying to be vulnerable and transparent in hopes of encouraging my friends, family and anyone who might need to be lifted up. We are not alone, we have meaning and purpose and hope in the eternal. Much love and catch ya on the flipside ;)

Aestate Hora - Summer Time

I am definitely not the most consistent blogger which I guess is part of the reason I don't have too many followers but c'est la vie. Since I last communicated here I have had two neurological events, been through rehabilitation in two facilities, physical, occupational and speech therapy. I also recently moved to what I hope will be my final home here on earth and come to the realization that I do not know how to put on my own oxygen mask first. With the help of a new psychologist I am truly going to try to figure it out. My body continues to fall apart at what in my opinion appears to be an accelerated rate. My latest bone scan shows that in less than two years my bones have deteriorated to those of an 80 year old woman rather than one who is approaching her fiftieth birthday. I do have much better control of my diabetes thanks to my persistence and some pretty cool new meds. My liver disease is probably the only condition that proceeds like a slow yet still deadly progression. Sometimes I laugh because in the beginning of learning about my liver disease the doctors were sure it would get the best of me within two to five years and since then I have suffered a number of things which could have just as easily ended my time here on earth. As the years pass by I sometimes can't help but feel like the cruel nature of chronic illness is that the patient feels like all that's happening is that he or she is being monitored to death. To those on the outside this may seem like a form of self pity or even a bit of situational depression and there is some kernel of truth; however until you can walk a mile in their shoes do not be quick to judge. I was reading in one of my health magazines I get from the doctors office and one of the editors Corinna Corejo, a patient advocate shared some great insight on the concept of reaching out to feel better. Life in general is so much easier when we don't try to go it alone but especially when one is dealing with any form of chronic illness. Chronic illness is overwhelming, unpredictable in that what works one day usually doesn't work the next day or new medicines become available, along with their possible side effects (lol) and health goals move or become obsolete and we need to find our new normal yet again. Corinna mentioned that sometimes it feels like the only constant is that nothing stays constant and I literally laughed outload while reading it. All of the above can lead to anxiety, depression and even self pity which make it even more difficult to maintain an appropriate self care routine. So we find ourselves skipping doses of meds, putting off labs and tests which we really need and these are red flags which we and our loved ones and caregivers need to pay attention to.  One of the biggest revelations we all need is that in no way are we supposed to be doing this alone and yet too many of us try to do exactly that, including me.

So this is my way of helping us all out. I want to share some practices which were suggested by Corinna and some which I have personally found useful.

Remember that at their core our health professionals (doctors, nurses, lab techs etc...) want to care for us and they are a good starting point for building our support system. They are a fountain of knowledge. Meet with a dietician, ask your pharmacist questions and confide in your nurses who are often the most approachable and our first line of defense in this ongoing health battle.

Your friends and family can and will be a huge part of your care team especially if you hope to succeed in this ongoing struggle which may be with you until you leave this earth. Maybe simply changing up the family dinner routine allows for rest or exercise but without communication and flexibility on everyone's part, nothing gets changed and we fall further down a dangerous path. It's important to share what they shouldn't do. For example let them no it's not helpful to hear "you can't eat that." We know but they might not in their eagerness to help know that it's honestly the least helpful thing they could say. We need to help our loved ones out by setting healthy boundaries because no one thrives when they feel like they are constantly being watched or hovered over.

And Corinna reminded me that some of the most valuable resources for support often comes from our peers who are also suffering from chronic illness similar to your own. One thing I have found is that their are universal commonalities which almost every chronically ill person deals with...fatigue, loneliness, discomfort, pain, you get the idea. Whether we have diabetes, cancer, MS, Lupus, fibromyalgia, we often suffer the same way and thus can be empathetic in ways no outsider can. We can also offer real world experience over traditional medical knowledge. Kind of like the difference between book smarts and street smarts. Our partners in illness also help us feel less isolated and this is one of the most encouraging byproducts.

Yes we all need to find our own way because we are uniquely and wonderfully made but a good support team will make this chronic illness stuff manageable. This reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures which I am sure I have quoted before but it's so helpful that I feel the need to close out with it today. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Amen my friends...hope to see ya on the flipside ;)